That said, I would like to hear from others who have something that would qualify them or their family for the Graceful Like a Chicken award. So, if you, or someone you know, are Graceful Like a Chicken, send me a quick note and I will post the best ones here.
Some recent examples from our life are:
You know you are Graceful Like a Chicken if....
1. You take a couple of your children to the Jiffy Lube only to find out that the one STILL has explosive diarrhea and after helping her make it to the gross garage bathroom just in the nick of time, somehow managing to NOT drop the squirming baby who is eagerly trying to get down on the disgusting floor, you discover the toilet doesn't really flush as well as you might prefer....
2. You feed your toddler goldfish and popsicles for breakfast and feel like it is completely justified by the smile on her face and the fact that at least it won't kill her....
3. On the way to teach 3 hours of consecutive music lessons, you get peed on by a wild turtle....
So, get to it and bring on the funny stories!
Speaking of funny stories....Yes, I did in fact get peed on by a wild turtle! You see, springtime in MN, one of the states with the VERY most water around, means turtle season. They post notices to be careful on the roads since turtles cross back and forth from one lake or pond to another. Taking these warnings to the extreme, the kids and I have been on a mission, one handed down to me inadvertently by my mother, who I am almost positive stopped a time or two to help an innocent turtle cross the road when I was a child. Admittedly, although most cars swerve to avoid hitting the turtles, they don't stop. We just think it a good deed to take it one step further and carry them across...(perhaps a sign we have watched one too many Diegos.)
Anyway, I was on my way to teach violin and piano lessons when I saw this sweet little turtle trying to cross the busy street. I quickly pulled over, put on my hazards and snatched up the turtle to help it safely across. Who'd've thought the darn thing would PEE ON ME! All down my arm, soaking my jeans and at least one foot! So much for "Why did the chicken cross the road!"....Why did the turtle cross the road? To pee on an unexpecting human! And man, did it ever! Who'd've thought something so small could carry so much liquid! Good, good times!
But the best, or most disturbing, story was the fourth turtle we helped this year. There was this little baby turtle crossing the same busy street. I pulled into the turn lane, jumped out and quickly placed the baby turtle in the nearby grass to which it was headed. There was an older woman pushing a kid in a stroller watching from the not-too-far distance. As I glanced back in my rear-view mirror to make sure the turtle didn't start back into the road, I saw the woman KICK THE BABY TURTLE! And not just once, BUT TWICE!
What kind of sick person kicks a turtle? And a baby one at that! It's not like you are going to get the thing to come out from hiding IF YOU KICK IT! For the love of God, Lady!
I can hear the turtle gossip now:
Says one turtle to another: "So, I was on my way home the other day, just taking my time crossing the road, when these two hands came out of nowhere and just snatched me up, whisking me into the air...."
"And then what happened?" the turtle friend would say with eyes bulging and head extended.
"Well, what do you think happened? I peed myself of course!" he'd answer.
"Well, I'd've done the same thing I'm sure but that's better than what happened to poor little Hermon. Did you hear that one?"
"Oh no, what happened?"
"Baby Hermon was minding his own business, just crossing the street for the first time when he found himself floating up through the sky, similar to your story only he's too young to know that isn't supposed to happen and says he really enjoyed it. So next thing he knew he was in the grass when all of a sudden this foot came out of nowhere and kicked the S#!T out of him!"
"Yep, literally kicked it right out of him!"
This reeks of an Eddy Murphy skit to me....sick, sick, old woman!
(Now, don't forget to send me those stories!)
Abby licked the floor in the Toy Story line at Disney....wouldn't have known it (since I was calming an overtired, crying Soph) but a teenager kindly made an announcement "Ewww-that girl just licked the floor!"...do I get an honorable mention?ReplyDelete