Some Days Are Just Like That

How I envisioned my morning (for the visual learner):

Order, beauty, peace, calm.....with a hint of glory....

Here's how it actually happened:

You know, with less pretty colors and far more unruly explosives.....

I found myself withholding an extreme case of maniacal laughter when the front desk lady at the school told the kids (directed at me of course), "Well, I can't excuse a tardy for that." And instead of making some snide comment back I looked at her with a pleasant smile and replied with a big shrug: "Great, you don't have to!" (Read: I don't care!) But I knew my day was going the wrong direction when not even five minutes later I found my car blocked in by two school buses waiting to pick up a class for their field trip. And when I asked nicely and the bus driver wouldn't move, not even an inch, to let me out, I started to wonder if getting up today was even worth it. (And had to force myself to think happy thoughts so that I didn't end up on the nightly news: Angry Mom in jail tonight over bus incident.....in which she repeatedly rammed into the side of a school bus because he wouldn't move out of her way.)

Twenty minutes later, when I was checking out of the grocery store, trying to go really fast in order to make it to Solomon's school on time for drop-off, and I had a problem with the self-service scanner and the employee who was supposed to be there to help said I'd have to wait for her to finish stocking the entire lottery machine because she certainly couldn't leave it open for a second and apparently there is no other way like closing it up and helping customers and then opening it up again....oh wait, there IS another way.... I looked to the heavens (by way of rolling my eyes toward my forehead with a deep, deep breath) and saw God winking at me.

God can be a real jerk.

Here's hoping for a better start tomorrow!

Moving to Mars

I don't know why it is but every time I say I will never do something, I always end up doing just that. Sometimes it is years and years later but I swear, the word 'never' must be a trigger to the force watching over us. It's like, "Oooooooh, reeeeeally? You will never _________???" (Insert mocking James Earl Jones-like voice which you can somehow feel taking notes on a gigantic notepad app in the sky.)

You see, once upon a time, I swore I would never live in Pittsburgh, home of the greatest sports fans (and teams) on earth. Why might you ask? 99% because I am a sunshine loving girl from Florida, the state to which all former Pittsburgh residents seem to flock (there must be a reason right?) and Pittsburgh, well, I understand it is a teensy tiny bit GRAY compared to what I know and love.

But, I also swore at one time that I would never live in MN (ahem) and yet, well, you can see how that turned out. I could go on and on and on. But I will spare you the list.

So when Minnesota raised its state income tax to almost 10% and Kurt brought up the idea of moving this past year, we began to explore our options. We started with Wyoming (0% income tax, great skiing), then thought maybe Colorado would be better (until we made the trip out anyway), passed over Tennessee (where I think I left my heart on the way home to FL this summer) and North Carolina (you think FL is hot and muggy? Try Charlotte in a heat wave!). But I knew, the second I asked the question, "Why aren't we considering PA?" that there would be no place else. The surprised excitement in Kurt's eyes, the second and third round of "Are you sure?" questioning.....his utter delight in the very idea of moving close to his hometown told me that he could not think of a better option: not one, single, better place on earth.

And so, at the end of the calendar year, we are moving to Mars. Yes, you read that right. And I will take great joy in being able to say it again, and again, and again because HOW FUNNY (and perfect) IS THAT?! While it is really Mars Borough, PA, in Adams Township, in the north hills of Pittsburgh, I can still say we are moving to Mars. And that, in and of itself, makes it worth every bit of stress that comes with a huge move.

Kurt: You know I will never refer to it as Mars. It will always be Adams Township.
Me: That's funny because you know I will never refer to it as Adams Township. It will always be Mars....As a matter of fact, I won't move if it isn't to Mars. (So there!.... If he thinks that is bad, just wait until he sees our return address labels!)

I can't go into all the details now, but I will tell you this: they include almost 8 acres of land, an incredible house and the potential for lots of chickens (well, at least some chickens...and maybe a horse....and a flying squirrel....yes, I am serious about that too; what can I say, Lily will always be Lily!)

"Hey Mom, look! A flying saucer."
So worth it.

P.S. I will never win the lottery...... (Hey, it's worth a shot!)

Eleven Stories in Three Sentences or Less

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1. Sleepovers

I hate them.
The end.

**

2. Crickets

A cricket moved into the corner of our basement recently.
He's a little schmuck.

***

3. Solomon

I have never considered the "terrible twos" to be so terrible. Then Solomon, who apparently takes after the cricket, entered his 'twos'. (I pretty much feel the same way about both of them.)

****

4. Sharing

Solomon: I WANT POPCHIPS, LIAAAAAAM!
Me: Well Solly, maybe Liam is nice enough to share with you if you ask politely.
Liam: No....I'm not.

*****


5. Lesson Learned (Again)

No matter how sneaky you think you are, never try to out maneuver a urinating five year old boy. Trust me when I tell you, this is not one of those places to 'try, try again' because even if you successfully get those shoes and clothes off once, you will lose eventually. And I promise you, it simply ain't worth it folks!


******

6. Potty Training

Potty training is typically not much fun for parents. It is even less so when your stubborn two year old won't accept bribes incentives. Seriously, what kid turns down M&Ms as a reward????

*******

7. Answer (To #6)

Mine does. Please refer to story #3 for a more thorough explanation.

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8. First Message From the 3rd Grade Writing Teacher

"The first month will be highly focused on writing a good sentence into a good paragraph. We will also start into a diary of an animal project during the first month."

Um, I'm kind of thinking I should have my third grader volunteer to teach the class.

*********

9. True Confessions of a Skeptical Mom

I have yet to turn in a single health form for my four school-aged kids this year. They are completely filled out and sitting in my car but I thought I'd see how long it takes before our "rigorous charter school, which holds all students and staff to the highest of standards and expects extreme accountability blah blah blah" realizes the oversight. So far, it seems that they care about the forms about as much as I cared to fill them out.

**********

10. My Shampoo

The shampoo I use proudly boasts that it is Sulfate Free, Paraben Free, Gluten Free and 100% Vegan.
Apparently I am supposed to eat it.....? (If only it was Kosher because everyone knows Kosher soap tastes far better than its non-kosher competitors!)

***********

11. On Blogging

It is much easier when you don't actually post anything (duh).

Please know I have had my reasons for neglecting the blog: reasons for good, not for evil (for the most part), reasons to bring on a more hopeful future.... I will bring you more regular posts once those reasons settle down into their routine and we begin to function like a normal family of seven (who is preparing for yet another gigantic move)......

*

Have a great week, my friends!

p.s. I dedicate this post to my dear friend Kim who thinks any post/email/text over, say, four sentences should be punishable by law. At least the stories were short, right? ;)

You May Not be Cut Out to be a Photographer if.....

You might not be cut out to be a photographer if you can't get the smiliest kid in the universe to smile for the camera.

I'm not here to judge mind you. I have no special skills when it comes to photography. And when school pictures come along, I obviously have issues even dressing my kids appropriately as I learned, once again, this year when I sent Liam to his school pictures wearing his Fried Egg and Bacon Smiley Face shirt. It would have been great had they captured the entire shirt but since all they got were the eggs well......see for yourself....

I'm thinking maybe I need to get a shirt like this to help me in that particular department!

So, I am not judging mind you. We all have our strengths and weaknesses but if you are a professional photographer and the best you can elicit from Guy Smiley is this (see Liam in Kurt's arms, not even paying attention, much less smiling!) I really do have to question your calling.

At any rate, here is our summer so far in pictures since I obviously can't find the words or time to write about any of it!

Love a helpful big brother! (We have FINALLY arrived!)

You can run in it.....you can cool off in it.....

You can even drink it....win win win.

What happens when Hypochondriac Mom meets Birthday. Seriously, have you ever thought about how much spit gets blown onto a cake at kid parties? Ewwww.

He's just prepping for his rock climbing life.

Coach Kurt

On our nature walk

The zoo has nothing on us....

God help us all when this day truly arrives.....

Probably the most fitting picture I have ever taken. Ever!

All good moms give fire to their five year olds so that they can chase their siblings with it.  Fact.

"Can we keep it?" (No.)

"Well can we just play with it a little?"

What a little humidity can do for you!

"Seriously lady. We've got to do something about this mop on my head!"

If there's a will, there's a way.

"Hey Solly, whatcha doin'?"
"Oh nothing much. Just wrecking havoc. Giving you another headache. You know, the usual."

Have a great weekend!

Out of the Gizzard, Part Two

We are slowly coming up for air from the Gizzard stay-cation. We have been down to FL to help celebrate my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, brought back my nephew for the summer (yes, I know that means we now have 6 kids in the house and no, I am not insane. This made total sense at the time and so far it has been terrific, minus a few little incidents here and there as they adjusted to one another and he adapted to life with a few more rules and regulations and, um....competition), and then we made it through several ridiculous weeks of camps and sports (and sport camps) that included me needing to get four kids to three very different places at the same time each morning. Breathe.....

But in the midst of the craziness, I have learned an awful lot:

1. Liam can read.

No, he is not sitting there for hours delighting in the depths of Tolkein but apparently the kid taught himself to read. (Because God knows I can't take the credit!) Put a BOB phonics based book in front of him and he is golden. And when 'Mat sits on Sam', he just laughs and laughs while I marvel at him long enough for my wondering of "How on earth did I miss this??" to turn to "WOO HOO! LESS WORK IN KINDERGARTEN!"

2. You can eat Flowering Kale.

This may not be important to you. However, to someone like me whose favorite food is a vegetable that every last darn plant nursery sold out of "just yesterday, you just missed the last tray...." and so the only option was to plant flowering kale rather than edible kale in hopes that maybe all those plant people were wrong and you could in fact eat it, well, YEEEEEEEEEE HAW! I will so totally eat the flowering kale out of my garden. I will eat it here and there, I will eat it EVERYWHERE! And for the record, the little leaves on the flowering kale are just the right size to make perfect kale chips. Score! (In your face plant people!)

3. It's never a good idea to try to take off a little boy's shoes when he is trying to urinate.

Just trust me on this one. (In your face silly mom!)

4. You can slip on a banana peel just like in the cartoons.

And it is so much funnier when the 5 year old comes up laughing because well, duh, he just slipped on a banana peel just like in the cartoons! (Right back atcha kid!)

5. My windows are super squeaky clean!

And that might be the least truthful thing I have ever written here given the 2- and 5-year old boys who seem to think exchanging their mucus and saliva for whatever might be on the glass is a daily must. But today, when Solly found a little bitty bird gasping for air on our deck, in pure shock from his crash into the very high window (clean only because the kids haven't figured out how to get up there yet....) I had to marvel just a little at how often this happens. Solly, of course, immediately pet it and then ran to get the lid for the Smokey Joe (think: tiny grill sitting on our deck) which I had to force him to take away from the bird as we were not catching it or hiding it or anything of the sort SOLOMONSTER! Liam wanted his picture taken with it and the bird just graciously sat there through it all, enjoying our company, not eating the crumbs we offered (courtesy of the girls) but at one point it got so comfy with us that it even closed its little eyes to take a nap. Liam, wanting to know if it was dead, clapped his hands really loud next to the bird's face while Solly ran down to the sandbox to get a shovel (I know he was thinking something up.... I just don't know what). It had been a good ten minutes by the time Solly got there with his shovel and that's when the bird came to his senses, (i.e. had the $h!t scared out of him) and flew off. We all cheered. And I vowed to send the kids up a ladder to smear up the high windows too....after all, it's for the birds....

Have a great weekend and I hope to get back to more regular updates....especially with the possibility of big changes (think relocation) in our future!

Out of the Gizzard: Part One

Someone asked me the other day why I hadn't posted recently.

Um, maybe because life swallowed us whole, ground us up in its gizzard and has yet to decide whether to regurgitate us back out the way we came or pass us out the other end?

Here's a little sampling from the last few weeks:

La ti da....I was working out with a trainer one day when I realized I was completely short of breath....the pain in my chest that started pre-marathon was ever present.....a friend suggested I see a doctor perhaps, you know, like a normal person.

Not wanting to end up in some crazy story about that "marathon running mom of 5 who keeled over at the gym of a random heart attack due to an undiagnosed heart defect" I called to make an appointment with a family doc.

Apparently they take chest pain with shortness of breath very seriously, even when the semi-young and very healthy person has good explanations for both. Sigh. So after convincing the triage nurse that I was not going to call 911 because there was no real need, after all, I just ran ten miles the day before, and someone had soccer or something that night and it was kind of an inconvenience, etc. etc., I got in the very next day.

Unfortunately, I had a coffee date with a friend that morning and forgot to ask for decaf so by the time I got to my appointment, I was jacked up on caffeine, my pulse was racing, my blood pressure was slightly high and the doctor worried himself over my "very significant heart murmur." He ordered an EKG and chest ex-ray and a bunch of blood work. As I was waiting for the nurse to come back to do the EKG, I got a call from Liam's geneticist.

Geneticist: Well, all of Liam's blood work came back normal except for this one test we ran which came back just slightly abnormal. Now, I want you to know that it is an indicator of this very, very bad thing called Fanconi Anemia but I don't really think he has it. However, I know you are going to look it up on the internet because that's what I would do and I want you to know it is ridiculously scary, but don't worry. I really don't think he has it.

Me: Um, ok. Could you spell that please?

Geneticist (after spelling it): Really, try not to worry about it. We will run more blood work when you come back in October. Ok? Great. Have a nice day!

Enter nurse, stage left, to run the EKG to verify the heart attack I am now having...... Actually, at that point I hadn't looked up the ridiculous, rare genetic disorder that our kid "probably doesn't have" but that he happens to meet like HALF OF THE CRITERIA FOR depending on what site you go to.

Ok, seriously people. I don't know about you but I am fine with the withholding of information when there is like a .0000000001% chance of something....maybe that is just me but she could've just ruled the darn thing out without worrying us. And what's with waiting until October to finish the testing? Really? She will realize how ridiculous THAT is once she has that baby who's currently about to burst her seams.

Anyway, the family doctor referred me to a cardiologist and sent me on my way but not before telling me I shouldn't do any more running until being "cleared" by the heart doc. Sheesh, doctors.

I got in to see the cardiologist the very next day.

Cardiologist: So, let me get this straight, you have five kids and run marathons and were in Boston and  are like half the age of every patient I have seen in like the last ten years....why are you here?

He kindly listened to my story and then to my heart and lungs and then ordered an echocardiogram and a coronary angio complete with contrast dye......yes, I am serious.

Cardiologist: Oh, and I think you should probably hold off on the ten milers until we get you all checked out.

Me: Well, can I run five?

Cardiologist: Let's just have you not run until after these tests.

Me: Well, can I work out at all?

Cardiologist (getting a wee bit exasperated): What kind of working out?

Me: Um, weights? Lunges? Pull-ups, push-ups, dips, core, anything not too cardio-intensive?

Cardiologist: Why don't you just chill out with your 5 kids until after we get through the testing. I think that is enough of a work out and it's best not to stress you out right now.

Me (fighting the urge to explain that not getting in a good workout is what's stressing me out right now!): Ok, can I get in later today or tomorrow then?

Cardiologist: ____________(insert long frustrated silence) We'll see what we can do.

Long story short: They got me in two days later, added a pulmonary embolism series to the day (I mean shoot, why not, this chick has great insurance!) and then a few hours later, I was on my way TO THE GYM because I assumed that since they let me out of the hospital, everything looked good.

And it did. The nurse called me the following Monday to tell me there was not even evidence of the murmur, everything looked perfect (well, DUH!) but that if I wanted they could run a 24 hour monitor to double check heart rhythms. (Uh, I'll pass, thanks.)

And THAT my friends is what too much caffeine (and stubbornly not using your inhaler to control your asthma) can do for you.

As for Liam, well, we are going on faith here that the doctor is just covering her rear end and that there is nothing to worry about. I suppose time will tell.

The Staples

I am a little behind....the end of the school year is kind of like that.

This story takes place on Mother's Day. It was 6 p.m. and Kurt and Aidan had just come home from a two day swim meet in Chicago. Kurt was apologizing for having done nothing for Mother's Day (which isn't true at all since he did get me a card last year that apparently his brother picked out and that Kurt forgot to give me and so he saved it for this year, or something like that....and it was the perfect card, simple and funny. Thanks Al, I mean, Kurt!)

Anyway, I told him all I really wanted was to take a short little twenty minute run to relieve the stress of a very busy weekend parenting alone. And within about 10 seconds I was out the door, with half a mind to just keep running and running.....forever and ever....

But, fearing for the kids and the house and Kurt's sanity, I returned home. As I was freshening up in the bathroom I heard a scream and a brief moment of crying followed by silence. And then Madeline shouted:

"Oh my GOSH! Look at all the blood!"

Oh. Joy.

So, up from basement came Madeline with Solly who was sporting a very bad, and very red, hair do. He was not crying anymore and so I took my time examining the somewhat small laceration.

"What happened?" we asked Madeline.

"Well, Solomon ran into a jump rope," she said hesitantly.

"Ok, and what is the rest of the story?" we asked.

Turns out, it happened to be a jump rope with weighted handles that Madeline happened to be swinging lasso-style over her head.....and Solomon happened to "run into it" (apparently backwards) with his head.....and that is where the blood happened to enter the story....

Not wanting to spend the evening in the ER, I walked Solly over to my neighbor's house where both the husband and wife are doctors. They tried to tie his hair together over the cut. His fine, baby-like hair was uncooperative and stubbornly refused to stay knotted. (I made a mental note to shave it all off later. Stupid, useless hair.) I then asked if our dear friend Crazy Glue might do the trick and they both agreed it would probably be best to take him in for a staple or two. (Ugh. Doctors.)

So, I walked him back home and enthusiastically asked if he wanted to go on a car ride. He was so excited that when I turned the car on he exclaimed: "YAY! The car has gas!" (Tells you something about the reliability of my car starting.....)

At any rate, the hospital ER was the best ending to Mother's Day, which is a bit of an exaggeration but none the less, the ER was practically empty, they took us right in and Solomon was so calm; he never once even flinched. And really, it was very quiet and peaceful. So much so that I asked if we could just stay the night. They said no. I told them I would volunteer to scrub the bathrooms. Still no. So we went out for cupcakes instead.

Nothing a good staple gun (and a cupcake or two) can't fix!