The Drive

"Chickens also travel well! When we moved from California to New Jersey just a few months ago, instead of giving away our favorite hens we decided to drive across the country with them, and our two rabbits. We had no idea how they would react to 5 days in a car. I had premonitions of being driven mad by continuous screeching and wondered if we would consider chicken salad somewhere around day 3." --From the transcript for the piece: Adventures with Chickens. (This person is like my new hero....chickens AND rabbits! Now THAT is the good life!)

As it turns out, there isn't a whole lot on the web about traveling with chickens. I am guessing that's because most people don't travel much with chickens in tow. Not so with children since it's not like you can just leave them in the coop by themselves and hope for the best. So, when it came time to make our annual pilgrimage to Florida this summer, my mom flew out, we packed up the four kids, and off we trekked, 1600 miles from Minnesota down to Florida, by car...I understand something about considering chicken salad around day 3...the chicks are lucky it only took us two days!

Actually, truth be told, the drive down was pretty non-eventful. The kids were fairly good; we had no major kid-fits until a certain dramatic child completely broke down in the very last few hours of the drive, and except for being bored out of our mind driving through Iowa (no offense to my Iowan friends) and not being able to find a hotel with vacancies for over an hour somewhere in Tennessee late Saturday night, it really went well.

Oh and there was that one lunch stop on Saturday that wasn't perfect as well. It was Lily's fourth birthday on Saturday and so I told her she could choose what she wanted for lunch. Quite unfortunately, she wanted cheesy noodles. (I suppose I should have been a little more specific in the options!)

So, because I am truly my father's child, I did what he would have done: stopped at McDonald's for the other kids, headed over to KFC in hopes that they would have mac-N-cheese as a side dish, in the drive over realized Aidan's burger wasn't cooked to order, arrived at KFC only to find that it had no power, thus no chicken (and mac-n-cheese wasn't even on the menu, doh!), headed to Jack-in-the-Box with fingers crossed that their menu would include cheesy noodles of any sort (nope) and ordered almost the identical order there that we had at our first stop. Lily then announced she needed to go potty while Aidan found that they had forgotten the cheese on his cheeseburgers...sent mom inside to work out both situations while I tried to eat as much of my salad as I could since, as it turns out, driving and salad eating are not so very compatible. And I wonder why it took us so long to get here!

One of the funniest moments of the trip was about half way through day two when Lily started crying, seemingly out of nowhere. After a few minutes Aidan turned around in his seat and said, "Lily, I told you not to join Madeline's club. She executes EVERYBODY!"

And apparently she does it very, very quietly.

And then there were the teaching moments. My favorite was upon finally reaching the south. You know you are in a southern state when you are looking for exit 4, so you start counting exits in the beginning of the state. We passed exit 1 and then exit 4 came next.

"Wait, there wasn't a 2 or 3," Aidan said. Yes son, they do things a little differently down south. Take counting for instance....(I know they have a reason, well, I am assuming there is a good explanation but it was funny nonetheless.)

It was also interesting to watch the different billboards in the differing regions of the country. In the mid-west, you have pro-life signs followed by those telling teens to prevent the stork from showing up unexpectedly through "waiting" to those telling you to give kids over 2 years of age fat-free milk instead of whole. You get to the southern states and you have just as many "life begins at conception" signs but they are followed by signs for the next adult superstore or "entertainment" club. Just an observation.

And personalities are very different between the midwestern states and the south as well. You go into a gas station in the midwest and you're lucky to make eye-contact with the clerk (although they are polite when they do address you.) In the south however, they start tellin' ya all about their family, asking abou'cher kids and where yer headed while making sure to let ya know to just holler if ya'll need anything now, ya hear?

I could go on but having just been on the road for two days straight, I'm in need of some serious shut-eye. Plus, the peacock next door keeps calling me to come see something....either that or it is just a highly annoying bird!

G'night ya'll!

How Do they Find Me???

Crazy Chicken is a fast card game in which players try to lay as many different 'crazy chickens' as possible ... but if their opponent lays more than they have, they must discard all those chickens!

I have come to the conclusion recently that I must have a stamped forehead: Come all ye crazy people, Speak to me. (But since my forehead isn't that big it probably reads something more like "...crazy...me...") Really, am I a magnet for this stuff?

You see, I had this neighbor call me up and ask me if I would help her sell some stuff on eBay. She knew I had done some selling there at one time and really needed to learn how to do it. That's certainly innocent enough, so I said, "Sure, why not?"

Well, let me tell you why not. I had already said 'sure, I'm happy to help' before she went into the back story... but before I can tell you THAT story, I have to tell you this one: (Sorry, too many Captain Underpants books...)

A few years back, this neighbor burnt down her house. Not all of it mind you, just most of it. (Like in the Princess Bride: "Your friend here is only mostly dead. There is a big difference between mostly dead and all dead." You see, it wasn't all burnt down, just mostly burnt down....) Now, for some people, like most of the other neighbors, this is reason enough to assume she is a nut and should be avoided at all cost. But, in my very unassuming way, I just figured she made a big mistake (leaving that candle burning under the bathroom window, complete with curtain drooping down....) because she is kind of spacey, and that shouldn't necessarily be held against her. So, after burning her house down she had to go buy the stuff she lost in the fire. In comes her story.

So, apparently when she was having to go buy stuff with the insurance money as quickly as possible, this "mentor" of hers, who happens to be a witch (according to my neighbor) put a spell on her and made her come to believe that they were best friends and that she should buy all these high ticket items for her witch-friend, and matching everything for herself too, of course. We're talking Prada this, and Marc Jacobs that. Shoes that cost more than my wardrobe and sweaters and hand bags that cost thousands of dollars a piece. (Brand names I have never heard of because you have to shop somewhere other than Target and Costco....and the towns they do business in....) There were matching emerald rings (and even one for the witch's husband) and man, the list goes on. And the scam went on for well over a year.

Ok, I have to pause here. Really? A witch? And a spell? Are you NUTS? She claims she spent over $30,000 on this woman, who assured her she would pay her all back for everything and that they were best friends and that this is what best friends do for each other....yadda yadda yadda. This is where I have to hold back from shouting: HELLOOOOOO?! What planet are you living on?! And how did you survive almost 60 years of life there?

So, there I am, day one of "Selling on eBay 101" listening to this bizarre story. She goes on and on and then tells me her siblings offered to help her sell it all but that she can't have them help her because she knows they will just think she is nuts....(you know, unlike the rest of us.) Funny thing is, I think I must have told her she was crazy at least half a dozen times as she spoke.

"At what point in all this buying did you realize you were being scammed?" I asked. "I mean, if she is never paying you back and keeps saying she is good for it, didn't you think maybe you ought to wait and see if she would ever come through?" (Why Karen? Why are you presenting rational questions?)

"Oh, then she started trying to get me to leave my husband and move in with her and now I know it was because she wanted me to be her slave....turns out she is a part of a group that sells sex to put people under their control and...."

Aaaaaand, you lost me. WHAT?

So, she's in my house, my kids are playing nearby, mostly out of earshot fortunately, and I begin to tell her the ins and outs of selling on eBay versus Craigslist. I ask her the logical questions: Have you tried taking this stuff back to the high-end stores you bought them from? (Yes, they would only take some of it.) Have you thought about maybe just selling them at a Consignment Store? (Which lead to a thirty minute debate over why couldn't she sell them and keep all the money rather than let someone else sell them and take half of it? My rational answers of course landed themselves on my ceiling fan I think because she couldn't comprehend why she couldn't get the majority of her money back from these items. Her argument? Her sister-in-law had sold her mother's entire estate on eBay and made over $80,000 and it was all high end stuff, so why couldn't she get her money back for her high end stuff? Uh....ok, you're right. My bad. We do in fact live in an ideal world. It always works that way and I am sure she made that much money.)

So, after deciding it would be best to post for free on Craigslist to begin with and see how it goes, we got to work. We spent an hour the first day setting up her various accounts and posting a few things. Then she came back the next day and we took all the pictures for the entire lot of items when we were interrupted by the arrival of my piano student (whom I lavishly thanked for coming hours early). And finally, we finished up all the postings the third day, yesterday. Phew. Good deed done. I'm washing my hands of it right......

And then I get the phone message today:

"Karen, I had someone respond to the post for the man's emerald ring. He says he will pay with paypal which is totally legit, but that he is currently traveling and can't come see it so he will pay extra money to have it sent and insured. He wants it for a gift for his cousin. What do you think? My husband says I can use his paypal account but I thought I would check with you. It sounds legit right?"

Sigh. So, you want me to tell you that the guy who is not going to come and look at the ring, didn't bother asking what size it was or any other relevant questions about it, who so happens to be "traveling" and needs it right now and is offering to pay you MORE money than you ask sounds legit? Hmmm. I could be wrong but USUALLY if your gut feeling tells you to call and ask someone else whether it was a good offer....I dunno. What do you think?

I think, in the hand of Crazy Chickens, I win. You guys can go ahead and discard now while I go scrub the stamp off my head....

p.s. If you are a friend of mine and want to tell me your crazy story, just get it over with quickly will ya? I'll add you to my pile. (And somehow still love you none the less.)

Note to the future

"Ok you two, you guys decide whose book gets read first and I'll be right over," I told the girls the other night, while finishing up the dishes. They were sitting on the couch together in the adjacent room, each holding their book selection for the night.

"Mine first!" Lily shouted, half laughing.

"You guys need to decide together, Lily. Talk it over with Madeline, " I said.

"Lily's first," Madeline declared.

Lily looked at her, a confused expression sliding over her face.

"Really? Why?" Lily asked. (I imagine her eyes squinted with suspicion...)

"Because I LOOOOOOVE Lily sooooooo much!" Madeline said with glee.

"No, Madeline, your book first, because I LOOOOOOOOVE Madeline, SOOOOOOO MUCH!" Lily shouted in suit.

This continued on until I arrived on the scene to prevent fighting over who got to selflessly go second.....

I had to write this story in here so that in about 10 years, when puberty has struck our house, I can prove to the girls that at one time in their lives, they really did get along. And actually love each other.

Lily Antics

While I won't bore you with my 9 month countdown to the unknown, I will say that at 7 weeks in, I may be a little absent here in Bloggerville due to the fact that I am asleep...or wish I were asleep and thus have no energy to actually even just sit here and type. In about 7 more weeks, I expect to be fully functioning again (albeit a good 14 pounds heavier assuming all goes as, um, unplanned....) And yes, I do gain weight as if my life depended on it during the first 12 weeks or so. I'm just happy that this time around, I don't seem to be craving Stouffers Lasagnas and Chef Boyardee ravioli. Actually, this is the first time I have had cravings for things like fruits and veggies (and MEAT) rather than processed junk and McDonald's fries. This one is apparently marching to their own drummer. Speaking of own drummers, here's what's been going on in the life of Lily.

"Mom, I wish God were my real dad," Lily told me at lunch.

"Lily, that's not nice. That would make our daddy sad," Madeline scolded. "If God were our dad, then daddy wouldn't have a wife anymore and he would be all alone. That's sad."

"Well, I don't know which mommy I like the best," Lily said a little later, after I had thoroughly contemplated the idea of being married to God (talk about pressure!) "I mean, I like you mommy but....."

But what? That OTHER mommy seems nicer? Maybe you need to go see if God would let you move in with Him....see how that works out for ya kid!

But really, Lily is pretty funny. Last night I went into her room to help her get on her night clothes. She had Spiderman PJ's picked out and was talking to herself:

"Spiderman is a GOOOOOD superhero. He shoots some awesome web out of his hands and he is totally awesome."

Meanwhile, she was putting her underwear on backwards.

"Lily, you put your undies on backwards. Step back out," I said.

She stepped out and did a 180 degree turn with her entire body, because, you know, that is WAY easier than just flipping the undies the other way.

She then galloped over and hoisted herself up onto the bathroom counter to brush her teeth. I came in as she was squatting over the sink in her Spiderman PJ's telling stories about Captain Underpants and his triumph over Professor Poopypants to her toothbrush.

Where do you even begin?

This afternoon when I asked her to go awake Liam from his nap, she said sure and immediately went "Cock-a-doodle-dooing" all the way up the staircase. I'm sure Liam loved it at any rate.

Speaking of birds, Madeline has taken on a Cinderella-like persona, talking about the birds as if they were her dearest friends. On our walk today, she told us all about how "Mr. Tree Swallow and Blackbird are best friends but Mr. Swallow is flying away because he is mad at Blackbird for being mean and...." I was just glad she didn't ask any questions when the two Goldfinches fell out of the tree right in front of us still quite, um, attached to each other. I bet they didn't see that comin'! (Join the club little finches, join the club!)

And Oops Will Make FIVE!

"What? What did that say? Did that say there's a MONSTER at the end of this book? It DID? Oh no! I am so scared of monsters!" --Grover in The Monster at the End of the Book

So Mother's Day this year was full of um, surprises. Rather, one seemingly daunting surprise. I'm not a huge fan of surprises mind you. Like many people, I like to know what's coming. I like to have the illusion of control. At any rate, it turns out, even though we were content with four kids, (and were certainly taking the proper precautions to keep our family at the nice round number of six) the universe seemingly has other plans in mind for us. A chance at our own TV show perhaps. The need to shop for a used school bus. An all-expense-UNpaid trip to Crazyville. Not exactly sure which showcase we will have the chance of playing for but I do know this: all three of those pregnancy tests came back positive. Can they all be wrong? (And to think, you could have just gotten me a card, Kurt!)

Rewind to eight years ago:

Me (the first day Aunt Flo was a no-show): Hey Kurt, I'm LATE!

Kurt: Have you taken a test yet?

Me: I'm going to go do it RIGHT NOW!

A few minutes later.

Me: Guess what? It's positive! Yay! (As I run off to take EIGHT more tests to confirm.)

Kurt: Congratulations! That is great news!


Six years ago:

Me: Hey Kurt, pregnancy test was positive.

Kurt: Great hunny. I guess we'll need to get a second car and find a bigger home.


Four and a half years ago:

Me: Looks like we're adding number 3.

Kurt: Ok. Sounds good.


Three years ago:

Me: By the way, we're having another kid next month.

Kurt: Cool. What's for dinner?


Mother's Day 2010, and the few days following:

Me: You have got to be kidding me!

Kurt: $@%! How did THAT happen?


So, to answer the questions that I know are coming:

1. Yes, we are both educated people; we know how this works. And yes, we were doing what we should to prevent this, but apparently, this house is drenched in fertility. The previous owners conceived a fifth boy while she had an IUD so we can only assume it is in the air ducts or something. (I told you we needed to have those cleaned out Kurt! Then again, you told me one of us needed to get fixed but alas, here we are.)

2. No, this was not intentional, (see #1) but we will be perfectly capable of parenting another child. We already found placements for at least two of the others (anyone want a cat?) so it should actually be easier (kidding, just kidding.)

3. If my calculations are correct, baby #5 is due in mid-January, right around my mother's birthday. It is still very early (haven't even had a doctor's visit yet) and we don't like to count our blessings before they hatch in this family as we know anything can happen, but that is the scoop as it stands right now.

4. To those friends who are trying to conceive: scratch all that advice I gave you. Here's how you do it:

First, buy lots of great baby gear and really love on it. Then, convince yourself you really don't want any kids; in fact, make every effort to prevent them. Next, start to give away all the aforementioned baby gear, especially the pricey stuff like the pumps and Baby Bjorn. Then, have far too many conversations with friends who are pregnant. Go ahead and give out some of those maternity clothes too while you're at it. Finally, as an April Fool's joke, have some kids go tell your spouse that you are going to have a baby, that you took a test and it said yes! When the shock spreads over his face, have them yell, "April Fools!" You'll have officially been jinxed....say goodbye to Aunt Flo for the next 9 months. (It really was a funny April Fools joke, when the joke was only on him of course.)

5. No, we do not have any names picked out as it is far too early. (Please see #3). But, I'll admit I'm thinking something along the lines of Sikudhani which means "unexpected gift" in Swahili. Or perhaps Tama which means "surprise; complete" or Mataya which means "gift of God." Of course, we'll probably end up with something more like Daisy, as in "Oops-a-Daisy" but, I'm getting ahead of myself here.

If you are a family member or friend finding out about this right this very moment, my apologies. We have barely had time to process it all much less make those phone calls to all the people we know who will want to laugh at us or scold us, or both. Plus, it is still very early, so we won't be telling anyone (including our children!) for at least 7 more weeks...well, unless you count the entire global internet community. (Hey, at the very least, it's an easy way to find out who actually reads this blog....and perhaps hear from you very soon!)

Hope you have a great weekend! I'm off to continue the consoling of Kurt....

Happy Mothers Day!

Mothers Day begins a little early around here as none of my children can wait to give me their special, school-made gifts. This year was quite humorous so I have to share. Below are the answers my kids gave to the fill-in-the-blank cards they wrote in their individual classes.


Aidan's said:
My Special Mom
She's as pretty as: a flower.
I love it when she: gives me hugs.
She taught me how to: fold towels. (Woo hoo! At least one of them is paying attention!)
The best thing about my mom is: she's lovable.
The best present I can give my mom is: my love. (Ahhhhh.)

Madeline's said:
I like it when my mom: is nice. (You know, those few and far between moments.)
My mom can do many things. I think she is best at: laundry. (Hmmm, beginning to see a theme here.)
It makes my mom smile when: I tickle her.
My mom is as pretty as a: butterfly.
My mom is smart. She even knows: that a chicken lays an egg. (Really, I'm that super, duper smart!)

Lily's said:
My mom is as pretty as: a cat, oh and the Steelers, too. (Um, wow, thanks. Somehow neither of these leaves me feeling oh so pretty.....but if I had to choose, I'm gonna go with the cat.)
My mom is really good at: playing the piano. (Thank goodness for indiscriminate ears!)
I can help my mom: take care of Liam. (Phew, glad she's got my back!)
I love my mom more than: a snake, because I'm very scared of snakes. (Hee hee, hee hee hee....Gotta love Lilyisms.)


Happy Mothers Day to you all!

The Little L's

"One summer morning, a little bug sneezed: 'Ka Choooo!' Because of that sneeze, a little seed dropped. Because that seed dropped, a worm got hit. Because he got hit, that worm got mad. Because he got mad, he kicked a tree. Because of that kick, a coconut dropped. Because that nut dropped, a turtle got bopped. Because he got bopped...."--from Because a Little Bug Went Ka Choo, by Rosetta Stone.

Let's face it, some people are just characters. Sure, everyone has a character of some sort or another, but some people seem to be born with characters that are somehow a bit more colorful and shine a little bit brighter making others smile that much fuller.

That is Lily. She is a character and then some. Now, I am not talking about some blown-up-on-steroids-Disney-Character who tries to be/dress/act a certain way. I'm talking about her truly authentic, spunky self. She genuinely is the way she is; no trying necessary, just born that way.

While it has been a documented fact that she started mounting the toilet at an early age (something you have to see to understand as she hops on top in a full straddle, landing as if she were a gymnast riding a pommel horse) here are some recent examples of her charming character.

I walked in the kitchen a few days back to find Lily, who had climbed onto the counter and was digging through the cabinet.

"What are you doing, Lily?" I questioned.

"I'm getting a band-aid," she replied, looking down at me.

Deciding to look past the fact that she was standing on the kitchen counter, I said, "Oh? For what?"

"Well, I have a bloody toe," she said as she held her toe up for me to see. (Yes, while still balancing on the counter top.) I looked, then looked closer, then got right at her toe level and pulled it closer to look some more.

"Um, Lily, I don't see any blood," I pointed out.

"Well, I have a bloody toe but you just can't see it," she explained.

Oooooh. My bad. I thought you were risking your life for an actual owie but you're talking about an imaginary one. Got it.

And, ever so often, a random moment comes around when she really wants to be like her sister, but just can't quite master the daintiness or etiquette required of the common household princess. This was accentuated when the girls were playing outside one day and talking about going to the royal ball.

"Yeah, we're princesses going to the ball," Madeline said.

Lily, wearing a bandana around her forehead, animatedly added, "....on our motorcycles."

Why of course! Who needs a coach and horsemen when you can drive yourself on your Hog! I'm just SURE that would have been Cinderella's preference too has she had the option. (Let's just say Lily would probably make a much better Mulan...or perhaps the Dragon who falls for the Donkey and then eats the bad guy in Shrek.)

Another favorite conversation of mine is when Lily talks about school.

"I LOVE school!" she'll tell you cheerfully. "I love my teacher, I love my friends...but, not that one boy who poked Eujay in the eye. That wasn't nice at all. I don't love him." Hey, a girl's gotta have some standards right?

Come to think of it, she often says things that remind me of Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts: "The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." Or: "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." (For more Jack Handey quotes, click here or visit his website.)

Another character in our family is Liam. For a kid who doesn't say much (or anything really), he is a riot. And for a Weeble Wobble, he sure wields great power. Why, just the other day we took the kids to the local pool and despite being a half-pint, he single-handedly closed the entire thing down....

Now, I must admit, I am not one who really enjoys the pool. I simply tolerate the pool for my kids' sake since they absolutely love it. (I know, I know, I'm a martyr, really...) So, my goal anytime we go to the pool is to get through an hour or at least until the lifeguards blow their whistles to take a break.

So, last Sunday, I was in a great mood having just gotten home from a 10 mile run and I thought hey, I bet the kids would really like to go to the pool. So, we got ourselves ready and drove the 15 minutes to the gym while I silently prayed that it closed at 6 p.m. as we were set to arrive around 5. (The pool hours read 12:30 until 8 p.m.! Ugh.) We got our stuff put in a locker and made our way to the pool. Did I mention the kids LOVE the pool? It is zero-entry and while the girls and Liam can walk around with ease in the shallower sections, playing in fountains and befriending (or sometimes scaring) other little children, Aidan can go down the water slides in the deeper end or practice swimming with Kurt.

So, there we were, Aidan and Kurt racing down the slides while I watched the three non-swimmers: shadowing Liam so that I could pull him back up when he went under while Madeline hung from one arm and Lily went around making friends with anyone who would talk to her, or at least pretend to listen. That day, Liam was feeling extra courageous, and headed deeper than usual to the big fountain. He insisted on walking under the fountain, back and forth by himself and did a great job, not falling or choking on water. But, after a while I wanted to go check in on Lily who was playing with another girl in the shallower section. Liam and I started in her direction when he fell forward. I quickly pulled him back up but he must have gone in with his mouth open wide (after all, he spends a lot of time laughing in the pool.) as he had apparently inhaled a gallon of water and was choking and sputtering while I ran with him as fast as I could to the side of the pool. But given that we were in the middle of the pool at the start, I couldn't get him to the side before the gag reflex gave way and the vomit fountain erupted....all over him, all over me and by the time we got to the side there were also chunks of undigested grapes and other less identifiable particles floating in the pool. Ewwww.

Another mom who had watched the entire scene asked if I needed help. Uh, yeah: Clean-up on Aisle 9?! She got the guards attention for me, he looked over, I waved, Liam threw up again over my shoulder, I threw in a great, big smile....everyone was happy. Well, maybe I'm taking a little writers liberty as I am pretty sure there were not too many happy campers when they whistled everyone out and decided to shut the pool down FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT!

Doh.

While Liam and I gathered the rest of the family and watched as everyone reluctantly left the water, Liam grinned as if to say, "Hey, look what I did! I am Liam, hear my roar!"

"Don't worry about it," the guard said when I apologized. "It happens all the time."

Ewwww again.

Needless-to-say, we gracefully hid in one of the family shower stalls while the rest of the families exited the building.

And all because a little bug went "ka choo".....or in this case, "bleeeeeeech!"