While I won't bore you with my 9 month countdown to the unknown, I will say that at 7 weeks in, I may be a little absent here in Bloggerville due to the fact that I am asleep...or wish I were asleep and thus have no energy to actually even just sit here and type. In about 7 more weeks, I expect to be fully functioning again (albeit a good 14 pounds heavier assuming all goes as, um, unplanned....) And yes, I do gain weight as if my life depended on it during the first 12 weeks or so. I'm just happy that this time around, I don't seem to be craving Stouffers Lasagnas and Chef Boyardee ravioli. Actually, this is the first time I have had cravings for things like fruits and veggies (and MEAT) rather than processed junk and McDonald's fries. This one is apparently marching to their own drummer. Speaking of own drummers, here's what's been going on in the life of Lily.
"Mom, I wish God were my real dad," Lily told me at lunch.
"Lily, that's not nice. That would make our daddy sad," Madeline scolded. "If God were our dad, then daddy wouldn't have a wife anymore and he would be all alone. That's sad."
"Well, I don't know which mommy I like the best," Lily said a little later, after I had thoroughly contemplated the idea of being married to God (talk about pressure!) "I mean, I like you mommy but....."
But what? That OTHER mommy seems nicer? Maybe you need to go see if God would let you move in with Him....see how that works out for ya kid!
But really, Lily is pretty funny. Last night I went into her room to help her get on her night clothes. She had Spiderman PJ's picked out and was talking to herself:
"Spiderman is a GOOOOOD superhero. He shoots some awesome web out of his hands and he is totally awesome."
Meanwhile, she was putting her underwear on backwards.
"Lily, you put your undies on backwards. Step back out," I said.
She stepped out and did a 180 degree turn with her entire body, because, you know, that is WAY easier than just flipping the undies the other way.
She then galloped over and hoisted herself up onto the bathroom counter to brush her teeth. I came in as she was squatting over the sink in her Spiderman PJ's telling stories about Captain Underpants and his triumph over Professor Poopypants to her toothbrush.
Where do you even begin?
This afternoon when I asked her to go awake Liam from his nap, she said sure and immediately went "Cock-a-doodle-dooing" all the way up the staircase. I'm sure Liam loved it at any rate.
Speaking of birds, Madeline has taken on a Cinderella-like persona, talking about the birds as if they were her dearest friends. On our walk today, she told us all about how "Mr. Tree Swallow and Blackbird are best friends but Mr. Swallow is flying away because he is mad at Blackbird for being mean and...." I was just glad she didn't ask any questions when the two Goldfinches fell out of the tree right in front of us still quite, um, attached to each other. I bet they didn't see that comin'! (Join the club little finches, join the club!)
5.27.2010
5.11.2010
And Oops Will Make FIVE!
"What? What did that say? Did that say there's a MONSTER at the end of this book? It DID? Oh no! I am so scared of monsters!" --Grover in The Monster at the End of the Book
So Mother's Day this year was full of um, surprises. Rather, one seemingly daunting surprise. I'm not a huge fan of surprises mind you. Like many people, I like to know what's coming. I like to have the illusion of control. At any rate, it turns out, even though we were content with four kids, (and were certainly taking the proper precautions to keep our family at the nice round number of six) the universe seemingly has other plans in mind for us. A chance at our own TV show perhaps. The need to shop for a used school bus. An all-expense-UNpaid trip to Crazyville. Not exactly sure which showcase we will have the chance of playing for but I do know this: all three of those pregnancy tests came back positive. Can they all be wrong? (And to think, you could have just gotten me a card, Kurt!)
Rewind to eight years ago:
Me (the first day Aunt Flo was a no-show): Hey Kurt, I'm LATE!
Kurt: Have you taken a test yet?
Me: I'm going to go do it RIGHT NOW!
A few minutes later.
Me: Guess what? It's positive! Yay! (As I run off to take EIGHT more tests to confirm.)
Kurt: Congratulations! That is great news!
Six years ago:
Me: Hey Kurt, pregnancy test was positive.
Kurt: Great hunny. I guess we'll need to get a second car and find a bigger home.
Four and a half years ago:
Me: Looks like we're adding number 3.
Kurt: Ok. Sounds good.
Three years ago:
Me: By the way, we're having another kid next month.
Kurt: Cool. What's for dinner?
Mother's Day 2010, and the few days following:
Me: You have got to be kidding me!
Kurt: $@%! How did THAT happen?
So, to answer the questions that I know are coming:
1. Yes, we are both educated people; we know how this works. And yes, we were doing what we should to prevent this, but apparently, this house is drenched in fertility. The previous owners conceived a fifth boy while she had an IUD so we can only assume it is in the air ducts or something. (I told you we needed to have those cleaned out Kurt! Then again, you told me one of us needed to get fixed but alas, here we are.)
2. No, this was not intentional, (see #1) but we will be perfectly capable of parenting another child. We already found placements for at least two of the others (anyone want a cat?) so it should actually be easier (kidding, just kidding.)
3. If my calculations are correct, baby #5 is due in mid-January, right around my mother's birthday. It is still very early (haven't even had a doctor's visit yet) and we don't like to count our blessings before they hatch in this family as we know anything can happen, but that is the scoop as it stands right now.
4. To those friends who are trying to conceive: scratch all that advice I gave you. Here's how you do it:
First, buy lots of great baby gear and really love on it. Then, convince yourself you really don't want any kids; in fact, make every effort to prevent them. Next, start to give away all the aforementioned baby gear, especially the pricey stuff like the pumps and Baby Bjorn. Then, have far too many conversations with friends who are pregnant. Go ahead and give out some of those maternity clothes too while you're at it. Finally, as an April Fool's joke, have some kids go tell your spouse that you are going to have a baby, that you took a test and it said yes! When the shock spreads over his face, have them yell, "April Fools!" You'll have officially been jinxed....say goodbye to Aunt Flo for the next 9 months. (It really was a funny April Fools joke, when the joke was only on him of course.)
5. No, we do not have any names picked out as it is far too early. (Please see #3). But, I'll admit I'm thinking something along the lines of Sikudhani which means "unexpected gift" in Swahili. Or perhaps Tama which means "surprise; complete" or Mataya which means "gift of God." Of course, we'll probably end up with something more like Daisy, as in "Oops-a-Daisy" but, I'm getting ahead of myself here.
If you are a family member or friend finding out about this right this very moment, my apologies. We have barely had time to process it all much less make those phone calls to all the people we know who will want to laugh at us or scold us, or both. Plus, it is still very early, so we won't be telling anyone (including our children!) for at least 7 more weeks...well, unless you count the entire global internet community. (Hey, at the very least, it's an easy way to find out who actually reads this blog....and perhaps hear from you very soon!)
Hope you have a great weekend! I'm off to continue the consoling of Kurt....
So Mother's Day this year was full of um, surprises. Rather, one seemingly daunting surprise. I'm not a huge fan of surprises mind you. Like many people, I like to know what's coming. I like to have the illusion of control. At any rate, it turns out, even though we were content with four kids, (and were certainly taking the proper precautions to keep our family at the nice round number of six) the universe seemingly has other plans in mind for us. A chance at our own TV show perhaps. The need to shop for a used school bus. An all-expense-UNpaid trip to Crazyville. Not exactly sure which showcase we will have the chance of playing for but I do know this: all three of those pregnancy tests came back positive. Can they all be wrong? (And to think, you could have just gotten me a card, Kurt!)
Rewind to eight years ago:
Me (the first day Aunt Flo was a no-show): Hey Kurt, I'm LATE!
Kurt: Have you taken a test yet?
Me: I'm going to go do it RIGHT NOW!
A few minutes later.
Me: Guess what? It's positive! Yay! (As I run off to take EIGHT more tests to confirm.)
Kurt: Congratulations! That is great news!
Six years ago:
Me: Hey Kurt, pregnancy test was positive.
Kurt: Great hunny. I guess we'll need to get a second car and find a bigger home.
Four and a half years ago:
Me: Looks like we're adding number 3.
Kurt: Ok. Sounds good.
Three years ago:
Me: By the way, we're having another kid next month.
Kurt: Cool. What's for dinner?
Mother's Day 2010, and the few days following:
Me: You have got to be kidding me!
Kurt: $@%! How did THAT happen?
So, to answer the questions that I know are coming:
1. Yes, we are both educated people; we know how this works. And yes, we were doing what we should to prevent this, but apparently, this house is drenched in fertility. The previous owners conceived a fifth boy while she had an IUD so we can only assume it is in the air ducts or something. (I told you we needed to have those cleaned out Kurt! Then again, you told me one of us needed to get fixed but alas, here we are.)
2. No, this was not intentional, (see #1) but we will be perfectly capable of parenting another child. We already found placements for at least two of the others (anyone want a cat?) so it should actually be easier (kidding, just kidding.)
3. If my calculations are correct, baby #5 is due in mid-January, right around my mother's birthday. It is still very early (haven't even had a doctor's visit yet) and we don't like to count our blessings before they hatch in this family as we know anything can happen, but that is the scoop as it stands right now.
4. To those friends who are trying to conceive: scratch all that advice I gave you. Here's how you do it:
First, buy lots of great baby gear and really love on it. Then, convince yourself you really don't want any kids; in fact, make every effort to prevent them. Next, start to give away all the aforementioned baby gear, especially the pricey stuff like the pumps and Baby Bjorn. Then, have far too many conversations with friends who are pregnant. Go ahead and give out some of those maternity clothes too while you're at it. Finally, as an April Fool's joke, have some kids go tell your spouse that you are going to have a baby, that you took a test and it said yes! When the shock spreads over his face, have them yell, "April Fools!" You'll have officially been jinxed....say goodbye to Aunt Flo for the next 9 months. (It really was a funny April Fools joke, when the joke was only on him of course.)
5. No, we do not have any names picked out as it is far too early. (Please see #3). But, I'll admit I'm thinking something along the lines of Sikudhani which means "unexpected gift" in Swahili. Or perhaps Tama which means "surprise; complete" or Mataya which means "gift of God." Of course, we'll probably end up with something more like Daisy, as in "Oops-a-Daisy" but, I'm getting ahead of myself here.
If you are a family member or friend finding out about this right this very moment, my apologies. We have barely had time to process it all much less make those phone calls to all the people we know who will want to laugh at us or scold us, or both. Plus, it is still very early, so we won't be telling anyone (including our children!) for at least 7 more weeks...well, unless you count the entire global internet community. (Hey, at the very least, it's an easy way to find out who actually reads this blog....and perhaps hear from you very soon!)
Hope you have a great weekend! I'm off to continue the consoling of Kurt....
5.08.2010
Happy Mothers Day!
Mothers Day begins a little early around here as none of my children can wait to give me their special, school-made gifts. This year was quite humorous so I have to share. Below are the answers my kids gave to the fill-in-the-blank cards they wrote in their individual classes.
Aidan's said:
My Special Mom
She's as pretty as: a flower.
I love it when she: gives me hugs.
She taught me how to: fold towels. (Woo hoo! At least one of them is paying attention!)
The best thing about my mom is: she's lovable.
The best present I can give my mom is: my love. (Ahhhhh.)
Madeline's said:
I like it when my mom: is nice. (You know, those few and far between moments.)
My mom can do many things. I think she is best at: laundry. (Hmmm, beginning to see a theme here.)
It makes my mom smile when: I tickle her.
My mom is as pretty as a: butterfly.
My mom is smart. She even knows: that a chicken lays an egg. (Really, I'm that super, duper smart!)
Lily's said:
My mom is as pretty as: a cat, oh and the Steelers, too. (Um, wow, thanks. Somehow neither of these leaves me feeling oh so pretty.....but if I had to choose, I'm gonna go with the cat.)
My mom is really good at: playing the piano. (Thank goodness for indiscriminate ears!)
I can help my mom: take care of Liam. (Phew, glad she's got my back!)
I love my mom more than: a snake, because I'm very scared of snakes. (Hee hee, hee hee hee....Gotta love Lilyisms.)
Happy Mothers Day to you all!
Aidan's said:
My Special Mom
She's as pretty as: a flower.
I love it when she: gives me hugs.
She taught me how to: fold towels. (Woo hoo! At least one of them is paying attention!)
The best thing about my mom is: she's lovable.
The best present I can give my mom is: my love. (Ahhhhh.)
Madeline's said:
I like it when my mom: is nice. (You know, those few and far between moments.)
My mom can do many things. I think she is best at: laundry. (Hmmm, beginning to see a theme here.)
It makes my mom smile when: I tickle her.
My mom is as pretty as a: butterfly.
My mom is smart. She even knows: that a chicken lays an egg. (Really, I'm that super, duper smart!)
Lily's said:
My mom is as pretty as: a cat, oh and the Steelers, too. (Um, wow, thanks. Somehow neither of these leaves me feeling oh so pretty.....but if I had to choose, I'm gonna go with the cat.)
My mom is really good at: playing the piano. (Thank goodness for indiscriminate ears!)
I can help my mom: take care of Liam. (Phew, glad she's got my back!)
I love my mom more than: a snake, because I'm very scared of snakes. (Hee hee, hee hee hee....Gotta love Lilyisms.)
Happy Mothers Day to you all!
5.04.2010
The Little L's
"One summer morning, a little bug sneezed: 'Ka Choooo!' Because of that sneeze, a little seed dropped. Because that seed dropped, a worm got hit. Because he got hit, that worm got mad. Because he got mad, he kicked a tree. Because of that kick, a coconut dropped. Because that nut dropped, a turtle got bopped. Because he got bopped...."--from Because a Little Bug Went Ka Choo, by Rosetta Stone.
Let's face it, some people are just characters. Sure, everyone has a character of some sort or another, but some people seem to be born with characters that are somehow a bit more colorful and shine a little bit brighter making others smile that much fuller.
That is Lily. She is a character and then some. Now, I am not talking about some blown-up-on-steroids-Disney-Character who tries to be/dress/act a certain way. I'm talking about her truly authentic, spunky self. She genuinely is the way she is; no trying necessary, just born that way.
While it has been a documented fact that she started mounting the toilet at an early age (something you have to see to understand as she hops on top in a full straddle, landing as if she were a gymnast riding a pommel horse) here are some recent examples of her charming character.
I walked in the kitchen a few days back to find Lily, who had climbed onto the counter and was digging through the cabinet.
"What are you doing, Lily?" I questioned.
"I'm getting a band-aid," she replied, looking down at me.
Deciding to look past the fact that she was standing on the kitchen counter, I said, "Oh? For what?"
"Well, I have a bloody toe," she said as she held her toe up for me to see. (Yes, while still balancing on the counter top.) I looked, then looked closer, then got right at her toe level and pulled it closer to look some more.
"Um, Lily, I don't see any blood," I pointed out.
"Well, I have a bloody toe but you just can't see it," she explained.
Oooooh. My bad. I thought you were risking your life for an actual owie but you're talking about an imaginary one. Got it.
And, ever so often, a random moment comes around when she really wants to be like her sister, but just can't quite master the daintiness or etiquette required of the common household princess. This was accentuated when the girls were playing outside one day and talking about going to the royal ball.
"Yeah, we're princesses going to the ball," Madeline said.
Lily, wearing a bandana around her forehead, animatedly added, "....on our motorcycles."
Why of course! Who needs a coach and horsemen when you can drive yourself on your Hog! I'm just SURE that would have been Cinderella's preference too has she had the option. (Let's just say Lily would probably make a much better Mulan...or perhaps the Dragon who falls for the Donkey and then eats the bad guy in Shrek.)
Another favorite conversation of mine is when Lily talks about school.
"I LOVE school!" she'll tell you cheerfully. "I love my teacher, I love my friends...but, not that one boy who poked Eujay in the eye. That wasn't nice at all. I don't love him." Hey, a girl's gotta have some standards right?
Come to think of it, she often says things that remind me of Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts: "The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." Or: "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." (For more Jack Handey quotes, click here or visit his website.)
Another character in our family is Liam. For a kid who doesn't say much (or anything really), he is a riot. And for a Weeble Wobble, he sure wields great power. Why, just the other day we took the kids to the local pool and despite being a half-pint, he single-handedly closed the entire thing down....
Now, I must admit, I am not one who really enjoys the pool. I simply tolerate the pool for my kids' sake since they absolutely love it. (I know, I know, I'm a martyr, really...) So, my goal anytime we go to the pool is to get through an hour or at least until the lifeguards blow their whistles to take a break.
So, last Sunday, I was in a great mood having just gotten home from a 10 mile run and I thought hey, I bet the kids would really like to go to the pool. So, we got ourselves ready and drove the 15 minutes to the gym while I silently prayed that it closed at 6 p.m. as we were set to arrive around 5. (The pool hours read 12:30 until 8 p.m.! Ugh.) We got our stuff put in a locker and made our way to the pool. Did I mention the kids LOVE the pool? It is zero-entry and while the girls and Liam can walk around with ease in the shallower sections, playing in fountains and befriending (or sometimes scaring) other little children, Aidan can go down the water slides in the deeper end or practice swimming with Kurt.
So, there we were, Aidan and Kurt racing down the slides while I watched the three non-swimmers: shadowing Liam so that I could pull him back up when he went under while Madeline hung from one arm and Lily went around making friends with anyone who would talk to her, or at least pretend to listen. That day, Liam was feeling extra courageous, and headed deeper than usual to the big fountain. He insisted on walking under the fountain, back and forth by himself and did a great job, not falling or choking on water. But, after a while I wanted to go check in on Lily who was playing with another girl in the shallower section. Liam and I started in her direction when he fell forward. I quickly pulled him back up but he must have gone in with his mouth open wide (after all, he spends a lot of time laughing in the pool.) as he had apparently inhaled a gallon of water and was choking and sputtering while I ran with him as fast as I could to the side of the pool. But given that we were in the middle of the pool at the start, I couldn't get him to the side before the gag reflex gave way and the vomit fountain erupted....all over him, all over me and by the time we got to the side there were also chunks of undigested grapes and other less identifiable particles floating in the pool. Ewwww.
Another mom who had watched the entire scene asked if I needed help. Uh, yeah: Clean-up on Aisle 9?! She got the guards attention for me, he looked over, I waved, Liam threw up again over my shoulder, I threw in a great, big smile....everyone was happy. Well, maybe I'm taking a little writers liberty as I am pretty sure there were not too many happy campers when they whistled everyone out and decided to shut the pool down FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT!
Doh.
While Liam and I gathered the rest of the family and watched as everyone reluctantly left the water, Liam grinned as if to say, "Hey, look what I did! I am Liam, hear my roar!"
"Don't worry about it," the guard said when I apologized. "It happens all the time."
Ewwww again.
Needless-to-say, we gracefully hid in one of the family shower stalls while the rest of the families exited the building.
And all because a little bug went "ka choo".....or in this case, "bleeeeeeech!"
Let's face it, some people are just characters. Sure, everyone has a character of some sort or another, but some people seem to be born with characters that are somehow a bit more colorful and shine a little bit brighter making others smile that much fuller.
That is Lily. She is a character and then some. Now, I am not talking about some blown-up-on-steroids-Disney-Character who tries to be/dress/act a certain way. I'm talking about her truly authentic, spunky self. She genuinely is the way she is; no trying necessary, just born that way.
While it has been a documented fact that she started mounting the toilet at an early age (something you have to see to understand as she hops on top in a full straddle, landing as if she were a gymnast riding a pommel horse) here are some recent examples of her charming character.
I walked in the kitchen a few days back to find Lily, who had climbed onto the counter and was digging through the cabinet.
"What are you doing, Lily?" I questioned.
"I'm getting a band-aid," she replied, looking down at me.
Deciding to look past the fact that she was standing on the kitchen counter, I said, "Oh? For what?"
"Well, I have a bloody toe," she said as she held her toe up for me to see. (Yes, while still balancing on the counter top.) I looked, then looked closer, then got right at her toe level and pulled it closer to look some more.
"Um, Lily, I don't see any blood," I pointed out.
"Well, I have a bloody toe but you just can't see it," she explained.
Oooooh. My bad. I thought you were risking your life for an actual owie but you're talking about an imaginary one. Got it.
And, ever so often, a random moment comes around when she really wants to be like her sister, but just can't quite master the daintiness or etiquette required of the common household princess. This was accentuated when the girls were playing outside one day and talking about going to the royal ball.
"Yeah, we're princesses going to the ball," Madeline said.
Lily, wearing a bandana around her forehead, animatedly added, "....on our motorcycles."
Why of course! Who needs a coach and horsemen when you can drive yourself on your Hog! I'm just SURE that would have been Cinderella's preference too has she had the option. (Let's just say Lily would probably make a much better Mulan...or perhaps the Dragon who falls for the Donkey and then eats the bad guy in Shrek.)
"I LOVE school!" she'll tell you cheerfully. "I love my teacher, I love my friends...but, not that one boy who poked Eujay in the eye. That wasn't nice at all. I don't love him." Hey, a girl's gotta have some standards right?
Come to think of it, she often says things that remind me of Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts: "The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." Or: "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." (For more Jack Handey quotes, click here or visit his website.)
Another character in our family is Liam. For a kid who doesn't say much (or anything really), he is a riot. And for a Weeble Wobble, he sure wields great power. Why, just the other day we took the kids to the local pool and despite being a half-pint, he single-handedly closed the entire thing down....
Now, I must admit, I am not one who really enjoys the pool. I simply tolerate the pool for my kids' sake since they absolutely love it. (I know, I know, I'm a martyr, really...) So, my goal anytime we go to the pool is to get through an hour or at least until the lifeguards blow their whistles to take a break.
So, last Sunday, I was in a great mood having just gotten home from a 10 mile run and I thought hey, I bet the kids would really like to go to the pool. So, we got ourselves ready and drove the 15 minutes to the gym while I silently prayed that it closed at 6 p.m. as we were set to arrive around 5. (The pool hours read 12:30 until 8 p.m.! Ugh.) We got our stuff put in a locker and made our way to the pool. Did I mention the kids LOVE the pool? It is zero-entry and while the girls and Liam can walk around with ease in the shallower sections, playing in fountains and befriending (or sometimes scaring) other little children, Aidan can go down the water slides in the deeper end or practice swimming with Kurt.
So, there we were, Aidan and Kurt racing down the slides while I watched the three non-swimmers: shadowing Liam so that I could pull him back up when he went under while Madeline hung from one arm and Lily went around making friends with anyone who would talk to her, or at least pretend to listen. That day, Liam was feeling extra courageous, and headed deeper than usual to the big fountain. He insisted on walking under the fountain, back and forth by himself and did a great job, not falling or choking on water. But, after a while I wanted to go check in on Lily who was playing with another girl in the shallower section. Liam and I started in her direction when he fell forward. I quickly pulled him back up but he must have gone in with his mouth open wide (after all, he spends a lot of time laughing in the pool.) as he had apparently inhaled a gallon of water and was choking and sputtering while I ran with him as fast as I could to the side of the pool. But given that we were in the middle of the pool at the start, I couldn't get him to the side before the gag reflex gave way and the vomit fountain erupted....all over him, all over me and by the time we got to the side there were also chunks of undigested grapes and other less identifiable particles floating in the pool. Ewwww.
Another mom who had watched the entire scene asked if I needed help. Uh, yeah: Clean-up on Aisle 9?! She got the guards attention for me, he looked over, I waved, Liam threw up again over my shoulder, I threw in a great, big smile....everyone was happy. Well, maybe I'm taking a little writers liberty as I am pretty sure there were not too many happy campers when they whistled everyone out and decided to shut the pool down FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT!
Doh.
While Liam and I gathered the rest of the family and watched as everyone reluctantly left the water, Liam grinned as if to say, "Hey, look what I did! I am Liam, hear my roar!"
"Don't worry about it," the guard said when I apologized. "It happens all the time."
Ewwww again.
Needless-to-say, we gracefully hid in one of the family shower stalls while the rest of the families exited the building.
And all because a little bug went "ka choo".....or in this case, "bleeeeeeech!"
4.22.2010
Conversation Starters
"Wow," said Lilly. That was about all she could say. "Wow." -from Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse, by Kevin Henkes.
So, I ran into an acquaintance of mine last night at Aidan's school music performance. Long story short, she and her husband have had some serious and significant issues the last few years, both individually and between them. She saw me with my four kids as she walked into the gym, gave me a big hug and sent her husband off to find seats.
"How are things going?" I tentatively asked, knowing last time it lead to jaw-dropping answers of trashy-novel proportions.
"Great," she said. "But my shrink keeps asking why we are still married. How are things with you and Kurt?"
"Fine. Could be better, could be worse," I said before exchanging more pleasantries.
"Well, are you very religious?" she asked.
"Define very, " I replied.
"Well, I consider myself a very Christian woman but," she pauses and goes into whispers, "I'm also a swinger."
And I waited....maybe she was going to bust out with a "gotcha" and laughing right? I mean, that would be plausible.
"Uh, excuse me? What did you just say?" I asked.
"I'm a swinger," she whispered again.
"Yeah, that's what I thought you said."
Then to answer your question: no, I am not "very" religious. I'm more like Mother Teresa on Miracle Grow, patiently healing and single-handedly supporting the poor, sick and downtrodden with my holy hands while I await my sainthood. HELLO? What Bible are you reading because I'm pretty sure there are some pages missing.....I mean, I don't want to be speaking with a log in my own eye or anything here....you know, I don't wear head coverings and though some days I certainly feel like it, I don't sacrifice the firstborn of each animal in my flock (you're lucky Aidan!) but I am pretty certain that most people would agree "swinging" is only Christian when it implies flying alone through the air on a little seat hanging from a crossbar by way of chains, or something one does at a sporting event that doesn't require whispers! But before I could tell her that maybe she was taking the whole "love one another" thing a bit too far she went on:
"Well, I swear it has saved our marriage......"
Right, and by "saved" you mean almost completely destroyed and totally complicated what might otherwise be a pretty straightforward, albeit sometimes difficult, relationship between two people. As Kurt says, you can drop an egg off a ten story building, go down, pick up all the pieces and put what's left in a zip-lock baggie and technically say you "saved" the egg, but really, do you want to eat that later?
"Um, do you think maybe that lifestyle might be adding to your issues?" I asked, envisioning an ever growing can of worms.
"Oh, gosh no. I mean, it has been what has saved us," she assured me, as she went on to tell me about how he did end up having an affair with one of the women from the swinger parties but other than that, it has totally helped. (Let me make note that we also have very different definitions of the verb "helped.")
"Where's Kurt?" she asked, looking around.
"He came to the earlier performance so that he could go watch the NFL draft with his buddy," I said, not thinking anything of it but feeling wholly relieved that I hadn't had to prep the house as originally planned.
"Well, maybe I should invite YOU to our parties," she teased (at least I think she was teasing....).
"Yeah, ya know, I'm pretty sure that isn't in our game plan actually. Thanks though," I replied, ever-so-kindly.
"Oh girl, it wasn't in our game plan either but look at us now!" she laughed. "I was just looking for a clothing-optional campground and here we are four years later." Right, clothing optional....got it.
Wow. Oh wait, we are about to watch our FIRST GRADERS sing in their elementary school show! For a second there, I thought we were having an insanely crazy conversation covering topics about which I truly don't need more information. And no, I don't want to know all the OTHER parents at this school who are involved in this group. I want to watch the show, go home, play naive and pretend that this conversation NEVER. TOOK. PLACE! or at least that maybe you are really talking about swing dancing, yeah, that's it, you must have meant swing dancing.
Sheesh. And some people think I speak a bit too bluntly.
"Wow," said the Graceful Chicken. And that was about all she could say. "Wow."
So, I ran into an acquaintance of mine last night at Aidan's school music performance. Long story short, she and her husband have had some serious and significant issues the last few years, both individually and between them. She saw me with my four kids as she walked into the gym, gave me a big hug and sent her husband off to find seats.
"How are things going?" I tentatively asked, knowing last time it lead to jaw-dropping answers of trashy-novel proportions.
"Great," she said. "But my shrink keeps asking why we are still married. How are things with you and Kurt?"
"Fine. Could be better, could be worse," I said before exchanging more pleasantries.
"Well, are you very religious?" she asked.
"Define very, " I replied.
"Well, I consider myself a very Christian woman but," she pauses and goes into whispers, "I'm also a swinger."
And I waited....maybe she was going to bust out with a "gotcha" and laughing right? I mean, that would be plausible.
"Uh, excuse me? What did you just say?" I asked.
"I'm a swinger," she whispered again.
"Yeah, that's what I thought you said."
Then to answer your question: no, I am not "very" religious. I'm more like Mother Teresa on Miracle Grow, patiently healing and single-handedly supporting the poor, sick and downtrodden with my holy hands while I await my sainthood. HELLO? What Bible are you reading because I'm pretty sure there are some pages missing.....I mean, I don't want to be speaking with a log in my own eye or anything here....you know, I don't wear head coverings and though some days I certainly feel like it, I don't sacrifice the firstborn of each animal in my flock (you're lucky Aidan!) but I am pretty certain that most people would agree "swinging" is only Christian when it implies flying alone through the air on a little seat hanging from a crossbar by way of chains, or something one does at a sporting event that doesn't require whispers! But before I could tell her that maybe she was taking the whole "love one another" thing a bit too far she went on:
"Well, I swear it has saved our marriage......"
Right, and by "saved" you mean almost completely destroyed and totally complicated what might otherwise be a pretty straightforward, albeit sometimes difficult, relationship between two people. As Kurt says, you can drop an egg off a ten story building, go down, pick up all the pieces and put what's left in a zip-lock baggie and technically say you "saved" the egg, but really, do you want to eat that later?
"Um, do you think maybe that lifestyle might be adding to your issues?" I asked, envisioning an ever growing can of worms.
"Oh, gosh no. I mean, it has been what has saved us," she assured me, as she went on to tell me about how he did end up having an affair with one of the women from the swinger parties but other than that, it has totally helped. (Let me make note that we also have very different definitions of the verb "helped.")
"Where's Kurt?" she asked, looking around.
"He came to the earlier performance so that he could go watch the NFL draft with his buddy," I said, not thinking anything of it but feeling wholly relieved that I hadn't had to prep the house as originally planned.
"Well, maybe I should invite YOU to our parties," she teased (at least I think she was teasing....).
"Yeah, ya know, I'm pretty sure that isn't in our game plan actually. Thanks though," I replied, ever-so-kindly.
"Oh girl, it wasn't in our game plan either but look at us now!" she laughed. "I was just looking for a clothing-optional campground and here we are four years later." Right, clothing optional....got it.
Wow. Oh wait, we are about to watch our FIRST GRADERS sing in their elementary school show! For a second there, I thought we were having an insanely crazy conversation covering topics about which I truly don't need more information. And no, I don't want to know all the OTHER parents at this school who are involved in this group. I want to watch the show, go home, play naive and pretend that this conversation NEVER. TOOK. PLACE! or at least that maybe you are really talking about swing dancing, yeah, that's it, you must have meant swing dancing.
Sheesh. And some people think I speak a bit too bluntly.
"Wow," said the Graceful Chicken. And that was about all she could say. "Wow."
4.17.2010
Finger-Lickin' Good (or The Costco Trip)
"Bolivian President Evo Morales doesn't want his countrymen eating chicken. Why not? Because he seems to think it makes them gay. Speaking at a conference on climate change, the leftist politician gave a stern warning against genetically modified foods. "The chicken we eat is loaded with female hormones. So, when men eat it, they tend to deviate from their manhood." After the audience broke out in laughter, he also claimed chicken causes baldness. "Baldness that appears to be normal is a disease in Europe, almost all of them are bald, and that is because of the things they eat; while among the indigenous peoples there are no bald people, because we eat other things.” Bloggers are having a field day...." -The Atlantic Wire
So the question that comes to mind (other than what does eating chicken have to do with climate change?) is: does that mean the more chicken a woman eats, the more matronly she becomes?
Last Saturday, I ventured out with all four kids on a lovely trip to Costco. Perhaps you question the sanity in that decision and wonder why I would set myself up like that, but quite honestly, the kids do very well in those situations....especially when they know they will only get fed if they behave. (I don't recommend that strategy for day-to-day parenting of course; I'm guessing the Department of Children's Services frowns down a bit on it....) At any rate, we went through Costco in record time, and upon getting to the register realized we had only forgotten one item. (Woo hoo! Progress!) After deciding the cheese could wait, I loaded our items on the conveyor belt and asked the kids what they wanted to order for lunch.
"Pizza!" Aidan shouted over top of Madeline who was shouting "PEPPERONI PIZZA!" over Lily who yelled "PEPPERONI, NO WAIT, CHEEEEEEESE PIZZA!" while Liam just screeched "Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Eeeeeeeee!" And then Aidan, in second thought, yelled even louder, "I change my mind, I want a HOT DOG!" at the same time Madeline was saying, "NO, NOT PEPERRONI, CHEESE PLEASE!" Until they about sounded like a chorus of confused, sizzling cheese pizzas crashing into a hot dog vendor.
The guy loading the basket looked at me and chimed in, "You must like Advil........A LOT."
Then the guy at the register impressively asked, "Soooo, that will be two cheese slices and one hot dog, right?"
Things quieted down upon arrival of the food, that is, until Liam realized he didn't have anything but a drink (which Aidan was only letting him hold while he ate his hot dog). By the time we got to the car, Liam was no longer satisfied with the arrangement and he let us know it, loudly. So, I'm loading the kids into their car seats, Liam is screaming for someone to SHARE THEIR FOOD NOW! as the girls each begin tearing off some pizza for him and when I turn around to get out from the back of the truck, this older lady is peeking her head in behind me.
Without a flinch, I tell her I think the baby might be telling me he is hungry. She just chuckled.
"He seems to be quite clear about that [dearie]," she said. "I just don't know how you young moms do it. I can hardly stand going to Costco with him," she said, pointing over to her husband who was loading stuff into their trunk, "much less four kids in tow."
I just shrugged my shoulders and laughed. She went on: "I had seven kids myself, five of them were boys! Blech! But I think I was a little insane back then actually." (Ok, I have to pause here because, didn't she just claim to not know how moms did it? Helllllooooo! YOU HAD SEVEN KIDS! You know better than anyone!)
"Well," I said, "I can certainly relate to the insanity part."
After the brief interaction, we said our goodbyes and I finished loading up my truck. She got into her shiny car (notably free of crushed Cheerios might I add), closed the door, turned the car on, started to fumble around the front seat as she talked to her husband, turned the car back off, got back out and said, "Well, I can't seem to find my purse anywhere and don't recall what I did with it. I suppose I'll just go check to see if I left it in the trunk then." And off she went to search in her trunk.
And that is when it occurred to me, the insanity she acquired many years ago raising seven children, may not quite have been cured by their leaving home. I have to admit, I was kind of counting on that myself.....And so I watched as that last ray of hope disintegrated like a popping bubble right before my eyes. (Camera, fade out on bubble of hope.....aaaaaaaand.....it's gone.)
But wait! Perhaps she just didn't eat enough chicken while raising her kids. She did have a rather full head of hair now that I think about it....(Quick! Send in more bubbles! And a 15- piece bucket of chicken while you're at it!)
Lily's Pet Store
"But I don't know how to draw a pet shop," Lily told Kurt as the other kids and I waited for them to return to the kitchen table.
"Just draw a building with pets in it," Kurt told her.
"I don't know how to draw pets," she said. "But I CAN draw a puppy."
They came back and before the rest of us could even get back to the table and flip the timer to start the game again, Lily eagerly told Kurt, "I'm going to draw the building like this," and she drew a big, oval-like shape.
She then proceeded to draw the three-legged puppy in front. All the while, I am shouting out completely random guesses as somehow, I haven't heard any of the above conversation. At one point I yell, "Um, a pet!" and Lily stops dead, looks at me with the most astonished and brightest eyes I have ever seen and within moments I am shouting, " A Pet Store!" She'll never be able to play poker with a face like that but it sure helps in Pictionary!
Thank you to everyone who participated in this contest. While no one was right on, here are some of the great entries:
man in the moon
bug on a pillow
crab on a boat
bug on a rock
Liam on the potty
Kurt driving a car (actually, it looks more like me freaking out while riding in the car Kurt is driving!)
chick in an egg
Lily in a tent in the church
three-legged dog swimming down the river
baby in the tummy....
But, the closest guess was from a mom here in MN. She said it looked like a dog in a doghouse.
Not surprising, she has 5 children and I suppose the equivalent of a doctorate degree worth of experience deciphering kid-art. (Really Deb, it is hardly fair!) So, she will be receiving her "Graceful Like a Chicken" t-shirt very, very soon (which means it might be sometime this year, assuming a miracle from God). I know, I know, the rest of you are teetering on the verge of jealousy but let your heart be at peace; I am sure there will be another chance to win your one-of-kind Graceful Chicken paraphernalia. Just hand Lily another piece of paper will ya?
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