In the Garden

I come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses,
and the voice I hear falling on my ear, the son of God discloses.
--Miles, C. Austin

Well, ok, so there are no roses in my backyard garden and I almost never make it out there before the dew has burnt off and I am pretty certain that the voices I hear are that of five little children screaming at me from the deck because "he pushed me" "because she annoyed me" and "mom, can I have the iPod" and "me want toast!" (The only thing God is disclosing in these moments is that I really need to teach them how to weed more and fight less and perhaps use proper grammar!)

But alas, I do frequently go out to my garden alone. I like to dig my hands in the gritty dirt and really feel the earth. I like to watch the little seeds grow from seemingly nothing into great big plants and overtaking, jungle-like vines. I admit, I love my garden shoes my mom bought me for my birthday and I jump at the chance to put them on for a bit.....  And I absolutely LOVE, and by love I am talking about the giddiness of a child in the candy shop with a grandparent whose last words they hear are "whatever you want dear," I LOVE when it is time to harvest.

Well, YEEEEE-HAW and hallelujah! It's harvest time.

I have to admit, this year has been a little disappointing. The weather has been odd (which basically means it has been normal for Minnesota although those of us living here always like to pretend that "this is so unusual" for any given time of year.) The summer was cooler or drier or wetter or something (I am not 100% sure because we were gone for so much of it.)

But, the tomatoes did very poorly (I say this as I am weeding full-fledge tomato plants out of the garden that came up while I was in Florida....from seeds still hanging around from last year's crop!) The few corn stalks we planted out-and-out died (apparently even corn needs water, who'd've thought!) Two of our apple trees didn't grow any apples....again. Most of the peas I planted never bore any peas. One of my zucchini plants gave me two humungous zucchinis and then withered away into nothingness (from dust to dust.....) Fortunately, the other zucchini plant made up for it by creating new shoots and taking over the middle of the garden. Now if it would just keep up the veggie-bearing.....but I believe the days are numbered.

At any rate, not including the spinach and lettuce that we ate in abundance early on, the big winners this year are:

1) Kale....I am the only one who really likes it (think kale-chips, sauteed kale, soy-sauce drenched kale, etc.) but since even the garden pests avoid eating it, the kale has been a HUGE success in my opinion.

These plants are almost as tall as Liam, not that that says too much but still. They are enormous!

2) Brussel sprouts....they have been super fun although no one seems to want to eat them either. Madeline requested that we grow them because she used to eat them up, yum. But alas, they are apparently more fun to grow than to eat!

 See if you can find the fuzzy caterpillar on the plant....it's like a "where's waldo" picture....ok, maybe not, but Fuzzy is in there, I assure you.

3) Green beans....these are the super delicious beans my mother-in-law gave me last year (and if I am correct, her father grew them in Italy and brought them here and she has been growing them from seed each year ever since, but I might have that story wrong so don't quote me...) I planted far more seeds than we got plants but we are finally harvesting too many green beans to actually eat so it all worked out. (Thanks Mamma Maria....these are "proven winners" with the kids, too!)

4) The vining fruits are coming into their own and we can't wait to try them! I am giving them instant winner status this year just because they are so cool to watch grow! Have you ever seen a canteloupe change from a green hanging bulb into the fruit we see in the store? It is really cool!

Here is a sampling of one day's pick a week or so ago:

Here is what came out two days later:

I suppose there is nothing to be disappointed about when I really take stock of what we are getting. Shoot, I could feed an entire village in many places in the world! We are truly grateful! But I am definitely in need of a few new recipes. There is only so much sliced-grated-peeled-unpeeled-raw-baked-sauted-boat-filled-zucchini one can eat. I'm getting ready to try out a few new chocolate zucchini bread/cake/muffin recipes to freeze for winter but surely there is something I am missing! And along those lines, I now have enough pesto to last us all year.....mmmmmm.....I'm so glad I planted that second basil plant. I think I will make another dozen batches of pesto before the frost hits.

But my favorite story in this year's garden adventure has to do with the watermelons I planted. You see, about mid-spring the kids and I decided we would add some melons to our garden. We went to the store, picked out some nice looking watermelon plants and a few cantaloupe plants as well and planted them against the fence of our garden. Well, a month or so later I was looking at one of the watermelon vines, thinking, "What oddly shaped watermelons." The other plant had fruit coming in like this, clearly a watermelon:

But, the odd "watermelon" plant had fruit growing like this with much greener stripes at the time:

So, I kept thinking, well, maybe there is a different species of watermelon I don't know about. Or perhaps they just start off oddly shaped before filling in. All the while, I couldn't help but think they sure looked more like a squash. Then one day I told Kurt to come take a look at the funky melons we were growing and he said, "Are you sure they are watermelons? They look like squash." I didn't buy any squash but something in his matter-of-fact way snapped me back to reality. Well, duh. They certainly are squash....lots and lots of butternut squash! And just about ready to pick, too!

What a pleasant surprise! Apparently the nursery mixed up the plants because I know I bought a 4-pack of watermelons. It's like two-for-the-price-of-one if you think about it. Who needs four watermelon vines when you can have two watermelon and two butternut squash vines instead??? (I just wish they would have labeled them correctly so that I wasn't sitting here confused all summer!) Now, I will need to find a good butternut squash soup recipe that I can freeze....anyone? Anyone?


"And the joy we share, as we tarry there, none other has ever known."

Happy 70th, Dad!

In honor and celebration of my father's 70th birthday (and because I totally failed to get a card and gift off in time and am hoping this will do!) I wanted to share a story that illustrates what it was like growing up with my dad.

This story took place two days ago. We were on our way home from the gym. Madeline and Lily were sitting side by side when Madeline shared a concern with me.

"Mom, whenever I bend my arm like this, it really hurts," Madeline said as she bent her fist up towards her shoulder, flexing her bicep.

Without missing a beat, five year old Lily looked at her and said, "Well, then don't bend it like that, Madeline." (She might as well have included a great big "DUH!" at the end given the way she said it.)

I wanted to ask: "Dad? Is that you? How are you possessing my child while you are still alive and well down in Gatorland?"

But that is EXACTLY what it was like living with my dad: a doctor by profession but a comedian kid at heart. He was the best doctor I ever had, so long as I wasn't sick or injured. (Just teasing, dad.)

Ask him if some procedure will hurt and to this day his response will be, "No, it won't hurt me a bit." (I am just positive that one day he might regret telling a patient that....surely some clown will make him eat those words mid-procedure.....surely....)

At any rate, I can recall being a child and telling him that my (insert any body part here) hurt when I touched it "like this" (or some other lame complaint) and his exact response would be, "Well then don't do that." If I asked him if I was going to die he would always answer with a resounding: "Yes (PAUSE) but not because of this." And while he was constantly using humor to negate our complaints, illnesses and ailments, it really did wonders. I'd ask him what the medication he was giving me would do: "Will it make me sick?" I always wanted to know and he would tell me something like: "Not any sicker than you already are," or "No, but it might turn your hair green," and other such things. (By the time I was 10, I insisted on reading the informational insert on ever medication from start to finish before taking anything he gave me. And truth be told, I still do. A good, albeit paranoid, habit if you ask me. Thanks, Dad!)

And because he didn't panic when my temperature once hovered in the 104-105 degree range and I was somewhat hallucinating on the kitchen floor with my mom holding my half limp body while trying to fill me with fluids and Tylenol, I know that my kids will be okay when they feel like they're on fire and it takes all I have just to keep them hydrated and medicated.

And then there was the time he told my mom over the phone how to tie up my brothers hair in order to close up a head laceration and she did it. And it worked. And because of that I now know that all that blood is not that big of a deal. And even the random head laceration will be okay so long as you stay calm and put on enough pressure. And get it closed up, although I admit we prefer the somewhat more traditional ER-trip method....

And I loved the fact that he gave me my own medical bag to really play doctor with. It included a real stethoscope, bandages and band-aids, splints, gauze and medical tape, ear drops, chewable Vitamin C, children's aspirin and Dimetapp. Best imagination-play ever! My father is a wee bit crazy and perhaps a little unorthodox in spots but somehow it is the perfect pairing as he is truly an amazing physician. And thanks to him I was the healthiest kid, the least likely to have a heart attack and slept really well, no coughing whatsoever! (No, no, I'm just kidding. He was even good about making sure I was responsible with my play-meds. At 5 years of age. No joke.)

But my all-time favorite dad-doctoring moment was the time I was sucking on an ice cube and I accidentally sucked it into my esophagus and swallowed it whole. Not only did it hurt like the dickens, but it left me with the sensation that there was something lodged in my throat and I panicked. I called my father at work and told him what had happened, sure that my prognosis was dismal. My dad didn't even pause before asking all the right questions to assure me he understood the issue and then with a perfectly serious voice told me that the cure for swallowing ice cubes was to take another ice cube and rub it on my bellybutton FOR TEN MINUTES.

Yes, yes he did.

And I did just that. Reddest belly you ever saw. And I guess it really worked because I am sitting here writing a happy birthday post just a few weeks later and my throat feels just fine! (Ok, so it's been closer to three decades later....sigh. Time flies. And it ain't the Goodyear Blimp unfortunately!)

So, with that, I just want to say thanks dad! I'm a terrific fixer-upper for my own kids because of you. You, a little humor, and Tylenol. Oh, and band-aids. And, of course, ice cubes.....

Happy Birthday!

ONLY IN FLORIDA

Seriously. So I thought I was done with the Florida posts for the summer but, alas, this story is too good to pass up. (And by "good" I am referring to the accidental spiking of the fruit punch at a birthday party. Oh wait, no, it's more like the ridiculously-crazy-must-be-rehashed-on-my-blog type of good....)


So, picture it: 
There you are, driving by the old-lady-down-the-street's house, honking to say hi like you always do and you see her being EATEN BY AN ALLIGATOR! (Did I not warn you? Tsk tsk. She should have been reading Graceful Chicken.) Please click here for the full story. 


Now, I don't know what you saw when you read that article but a couple things in there stuck out to me like the teats of a milking cow, a turd in the punchbowl, a fox in the chicken coop:


1) First of all, it is so southern I can almost taste the fried chicken grease juice drippin' off the screen. Not only did the neighbor say this woman was "as nice as the day is long" but her relative said that telling her not to pick mangoes from the tree next to the canal was like "telling a song bird not to sing." (They really do talk that way down in those parts. Honest.)


2) The neighbor driving by just happened to have a gun with him. In his car. On his way home from work. Because he might need it to shoot a rogue alligator in the right eye before it eats the neighbor??? You just never know.


3) And I quote: “For area residents that have lived here all their lives, they’re still in a state of shock.” Really? Because YOU LIVE IN A SWAMP! It's the EVERGLADES! Wake up people! Stop acting like you were inside the outhouse when lightening struck, are now two bricks short of a load and couldn't manage to hit the broad side of a barn! You are choosing to risk "death by gator" every time you step out of your house; and perhaps half the time you are IN your house too, knowing Florida! And while it is fine and dandy to *know* you have to run zig zag to get away from those creatures, if you are 90 years of age, call me crazy but you might be at a slight disadvantage! Unless your neighbor happens to be passing by, in his truck, on the way home from work, with his gun, and sees you BEING EATEN ALIVE!  


Holy sandspur in my flip-flops! If that ain't a bumblebee in my bluejeans sort of day, I don't know what is!


Really. (And they say chickens are close relatives to these monsters....even if it is so, at least chickens don't EAT YOU!)


And then my mom texts me a picture of the headline in the paper....it's fuel for the fire mama. (Didn't nobody ever tell you not to play with that there fire?) But, because I hosted a brunch today that seriously lasted like seven hours (I'm not kidding....the last guest went to college for archeology and I am pretty certain she was digging for the skeletons in my closet....) I didn't reply to the text quickly and so I get this email from her that only slightly hinted of urgency that a hurricane is coming and I had best be going on my way now: Karen, did you get the newspaper article I pictured to you today? About the 90yr old woman, attacked by an alligator, and she lost her leg?


Yes, thank you for that mom, and the nightmares to follow. (I swear I do not know what I did growing up but she is definitely trying to get me back for something!) 


Well, on that note, have a great weekend! Oh, and I know of a little old lady down in Florida who is lucky to have only lost her leg (who is perhaps about to fall off the back edge of yonder) and who might need a prayer or two....hundred. 

P.S. Florida

In the wake of Hurricane Irene, I have to make an official hurricane statement. After writing about the alligators, several people mentioned to me how crazy it must have been to grow up in a place threatened by hurricanes each year. The conversations somehow went from the crazy alligators to "Oh, and you have to worry about hurricanes there, too" to which I immediately showed my true Floridian identity by totally and completely denying that hurricanes are that big of a deal.

"Oh, well, you know, they give you lots of warning and anyway, most of them veer north so you know, they aren't as bad as let's say tornadoes, or earthquakes, sheesh, earthquakes. Don't even get me started on those. They just sneak up on you out of nowhere! At least with hurricanes you have enough time to fully evacuate if necessary." Um, right.

And I have to laugh because I was up really late tonight and happened to notice an animal prowling in our yard. My first thought was, "What is that gigantic beast? Could it be an oversized fox? If I were in Florida I would be thinking baby panther or perhaps a lion escapee from the local zoo...."

Yeah, it was a big cat chasing a bug.

But really, Florida has so much character (read: it's where the wild things are). It's the only place I know where having asked a family member if she ever saw this old (not-so-great) former friend of hers she answered: "Oh yeah, he was on TV recently......Because his house fell into a sink hole."

Seriously. Only in Florida.

B.Y.O.B.: Helmets

Bring Your Own Blessings:

Full-Face Bike Helmets.

While it doesn't look too terrible, this is the broken helmet Aidan was sporting when the other four kids and I finally made it down the hill near Starring Lake Park. He had apparently lost control on his crazy scooter (a Razor PowerWing) and I found him huddled up in the grass, sobbing in his blood and broken ego. On close inspection, he had no major injuries outside of the helmet's visor (thank goodness!) and only required about half an hour cleaning to get the gravel out of his knees, elbow, back, bum, shoulder, etc....but nothing on his head and face! Woo hoo! Go gigantic-oversized-full-faced-helmet-that-is-technically-meant-for-extreme-sports-and-motorbikes-bought-only-because-I-am-a-mostly-risk-adverse-person-and-didn't-want-to-take-any-chances! (Thanks for that gene mom!)

I also just want to say what a blessing it is to have seen Madeline's little skull when she was just a wee little thing because, you see, now I tend to stay calm and collected when I see blood all over. How much easier was this to handle all by myself when my greatest concern quickly became trying to avoid getting bit by the mosquitoes while we got Aidan back to the car! Love the perspective a few half dozen ER visits bring.

Where have you unexpectedly been blessed by previous decisions or foresight?

Leapin' Lizards (Florida Review)

I'm fairly certain my mom wonders why I give Florida such a hard time. (Hello? Alligators!) It's not that I want to, it's just that, well, here's a snapshot of a one week segment during our Florida trip:

So, the kids had been swimming a lot and wanted to take a break. I suggested they go out to play in the sandbox. Lily was super excited and ran inside to try to convince the others to join her while I went to check for gators clean the sandbox up a bit since it hadn't been played in for a while. There were sticks and leaves, and water filled buckets (i.e. mosquito sitting on their nests, just waiting for their new brood to hatch and coming over ever so often for some sweet human nectar to hold them over till they could teach the next generation to feed on us...) and other such debris in it. I first started by getting rid of all the big twigs and leaves. I then dumped out a bucket full of water and as I was doing so I happened to notice a suspicious looking spider hanging up under the corner seat. Always on guard in Florida, I dumped the water on the spider. It landed in the sand and lo and behold it had a HUGE RED HOURGLASS on its belly. So I did what any responsible parent would do, I used the closest sand toy to fling it out of the sandbox toward the other side of the yard. Nope, no deadly spiders here, you can't prove a thing....la-ti-da.

Well, as luck would have it, Lily couldn't get anyone else on board anyway because it was so hot, so we all went back to the swimming pool. It hadn't been two hours since I found the lovely widow spider when I heard Madeline shout, "A Snake! A Snake!" as she jumped back into the deep end and swam quickly away.

Sure enough, there was a lovely snake trapped in the pool area trying to wiggle out of the screen. My mom studied it to make sure it wasn't poisonous (something we don't have to do here in MN I might add) and we caught it in the pool net to take it out back to meet up with the spider still on the loose.

Well, then the kids got the bright idea that lizards would make great pets; after all, they are a dime a dozen around the pool. The girls were so excited when they had caught the first one.

Which soon became two....

And then 5.....

And then 8.....

I had to put a stop to it because, well, really, how many lizards does one bucket need? I was just glad they weren't shooting them with a b-b-gun like my brother used to do. Ick.

A few days later we were at my grandmother's house in Lakeland, FL and we were fortunate to catch a sighting of the house gecko. You see, there has been this rather large spotted gecko living outside her house for years now....it makes a lot of noise but I have to admit, it is pretty cool.

So, once we got back to my childhood home, we had a good friend over who is about to make a trek to Africa. She told us about all the things she needed for her adventure, like vaccines and mosquito nets etc. I asked, "Oh, so did you rent the mosquito net or buy it?"

"Oh, I bought it," she said. "I can use it here when I get back. It will really come in handy in my house."

She was serious.

And the night before we left, as I was debating in my mind whether the most recent (massive) mosquito bite on my leg looked more like a skunk, or a squirrel or "no, I think it definitely looks like a cat," I realized it was certainly time for my departure as I was getting eaten alive. One day, they will recommend all tourists visiting FL to bring mosquito nets. I wish I had! While everyone knows about the infiltration of the humans in the innocent mosquitoes' natural habitat, I wish we knew how to make them head south for the summer....or forever.

But even worse than the dozens of bites I seemed to come in with daily (which really is only an issue because there is always the possibility of them CARRYING WEST NILE VIRUS!), was the roach that crawled out of the box I was holding and ran up my arm. If you have never had a roach with those scratchy, brittle little legs crawl up your arm you are surely missing out. There is nothing quite like it. Thank God. (We don't have those here either.)

So, you see, it is rather easy to give Florida a hard time. As beautiful as it is, there are simply too many strange, wild, crazy other creatures sharing the space. Have I mentioned the alligators?

Alligators

While visiting my family in Florida, I had the wonderful opportunity of reading an article seemingly written to debunk the myths surrounding alligators. Now, I want to admit my bias upfront. Short of claiming you can tame a gator, in my mind there are no myths. It is all possible, it is all true, the things you have heard have all happened; no wait, they are probably still happening as I type! Alligators.....sheesh.

You see, when I am in Florida, my mind is constantly on alligators. It is my answer for just about anything.

Friend 1: Hey, ya wanna go skiing this weekend on the lake?
Me: Um, hello? Alligators!

Friend 2: I went air boating this weekend with my uncle.
Me: You mean, with the Alligators.

Friend 3: I want to take you deep sea fishing.
Me: Sharks....AND Gators. (Ok, this might be pushing it a little. But only a little. It is Florida after all and strange things seem to happen there.)

Cousin: Went to coach the swim team and guess what I had to drag out of the pool?
Me: An alligator. (True story, he really did.)

So, you don't want to drive too close to me on the highways in FL because my eyes sometimes wander from the road as I glance to see if there are any gators in the swampy areas, or lakes, or retention ponds. You just never know. I almost missed seeing a beautiful American Bald Eagle fly right over my car the other day because I was trying to determine if the log I saw was really a gator in disguise. (It wasn't, but it could have been!)

All that said, here are my answers to SpaceCoast Living where they had written these facts on the American Alligator. They start off with a little alligator history:

The American Alligator is an unusual success story of a species that came back from the brink of extinction to a species that is now thriving in the Southeastern United States. 


Oh, thank goodness.  I was so worried we might lose the flesh eating monsters! Seriously, I won't take the time to argue the definition of success story, but all I know is WE DID THIS! We dumb humans decided we couldn't live without Alligators and now they are THRIVING....really and truly. It does make you wonder if Darwin was wrong. How did we ever make it as a species when we are constantly saving the creatures that CAN EAT US?!

Myth 1: Alligators will eat humans. 
Fact: Although rare, alligators are opportunistic eaters.


Well, DUH! What about that mouth would make you think otherwise?

Picture of a stuffed gator at a rest station in North Florida. 

 Myth 2: Alligators will grow to over 20 feet in length. 
Fiction: The largest alligator ever claimed to be in existence was 19.8 feet.


Oh, 19.8 feet.  That makes it SOOO much better. For a minute there I thought we REALLY had something to worry about....seriously, a few inches from 20 feet long. Think about it. SO WHAT IF NO 20 FOOTERS HAVE EVER BEEN FOUND? Alligators. Sheesh.

This one was only about 10 feet....pretty sure it could still eat you.

Myth 3: Alligators will eat anything in their path.

Fiction: Alligators, especially healthy ones can go months between meals....

Oh, ok. Let's be friends and just hope that they ate yesterday. A little Gator Roulette is always fun. Hello? Why would you even give people the idea that they might be able to get close to one, so long as he isn't hungry....I'm mean, it is Florida and people's brains are a little sun-fried....they might just take up that challenge!

Myth 4: Alligators cannot run from side to side.
Fact: Gators can only run in a straight line so if one starts chasing you, run in a zigzag pattern. 


WHAT? ALLIGATORS WILL CHASE YOU????

Actually, this is a well-known fact to all children growing up in Florida. They teach it right along with tying shoes and not sticking fingers in electrical outlets and staying out of the shower in a thunder storm. I have known this for as long as I can remember. I have even had nightmares about being chased by alligators....more than once...in my adult life. (Yes, I have alligator dreams frequently, maybe once a month, even still....) Seriously. Zig zag. Don't forget! (And just so you non-natives know, alligators can also jump REALLY. REALLY. HIGH! I wonder why this writer decided to leave that little fact out? Seems like it might be important, unless of course, he's trying to weed out the riffraff...)

Myth 5: Gators are only found in freshwater.
Fiction: Gators are mostly found in freshwater, however....


"Mostly!" and "However...." Need I say more? Seriously, they sometimes are found on the beaches because they get swept out in the tide at the inlets. These big buggers are no laughing matter. You can't even swim at the beach in safety. If the sharks or jellies don't get you, who knows, there could be a 19.8 foot gator waiting. But don't worry, at least he's not 20 feet and can only run straight. (You just better pray he ate a shark on his way out to sea, mate.)

Myth 6: Alligators will not stay submerged underwater for long periods of time.
Fiction: Alligators can stay submerged for several hours....


Really, does this even matter? Here's a little clue: if you are going to Florida, just assume that there are gators in any and every body of water. Thriving. Hiding. Waiting for their next meal. It could be you. Beware. I warned you.

Or better yet, skip going south and come to MN where nothing in our lakes will eat you. And you can drive on them half the year. For the fun of it. Because, frozen lakes are totally awesome.....(Hey, at least there aren't alligators!)