THEOLOGY IS THE STUDY OF GOD and God's ways. For all we know, dung beetles may study us and our ways and call it humanology. If so, we would probably be more touched and amused than irritated. One hopes that God feels likewise. -Fredrick Buechner, from his book Wishful Thinking For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39 Don't freak out. It's just paint..... Blues are hard. -Deborah *** |
For many humans, when crisis rears its ugly head, there is this sudden pause, like the screeching halt of a trainwreck occurring in both real time and slow motion; we are forced to make a sudden, often unexpected, soul-searching stop and reevaluate everything we know, or thought we knew, to be true. The moment can be subtle, or catastrophic, gradual or sudden, often both, but when it occurs, there is a pause.
And this is where a new chapter begins.
And like a dung beetle, studying human behavior, we wade through the excrement, the wreckage and chaos, looking for answers. Eventually though, we have to make a choice on how to respond, on how to show up, and maybe fight for our lives to remain whole and unbroken.....or at least, strong enough to carefully pick up all the shattered pieces, or perhaps only the most essential ones, and create something new and extraordinary.
Friends, life has derailed a little over here. (Forgive me for my understatement.) We have found ourselves at this new juncture and as I stand at the crossroads and look, I have had to pause. To gather my wits. To breathe.
To be sure, our marriage will go down as one of my life's greatest blessings. I have been so blessed with being able to give 25 years of my life to a man who has been an amazing provider and has loved his family immensely. His hard work has not gone unnoticed. The five incredible humans we have brought into this world are my life's most remarkable gifts and I am forever grateful for the opportunity to be their mom. The joy I feel inside, even in the midst of so much heartache, is indescribable.
At the same time, these last six months have been harder than any I have ever faced. The turmoil of grief I cannot even begin to describe, the slow and then sudden loss of a 25 year blessing, has been a game changer (hey sometimes game changers don't change the game how we had hoped!) The new insecurities, fears, unknowns....they pop up everywhere. Like a horrible carnival game, me bopping one down and the next four appearing....The many nights of weeping, the darkness creeping through my very soul, the sorrow, anger, (insert every emotion ever felt here) as I cannot breathe, cannot fathom how this is right, or how it is even a part of the plan.... I have been brought to my knees, no words to utter, no solutions, no answers. Just the pause of unspoken prayers, tears shed, words I have yet to find. And I have recognized in those standstill moments, how important to me are the stories from our shared history. I didn't realize as I wrote post after post in this blog, how essential these memories would be for my very survival. I do not believe in clinging to the past, but it can be life affirming, saving really, to know and remember where you came from, where you have been, who you are and hopefully, it helps to one day point me and my family in a new, life sustaining direction.
For none of this can separate us from the love of God and in God, all of this will be used for good one day. I have to believe that.... even if it feels like total nonsense presently.
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So, how does the second novel of the series begin? The one where we throw off our old selves and create something new?
I believe this is where I would insert a wide-eyed emoji face and say, for the love of God, where does one even begin? Where is the proper emoji for having only had to learn half of the adulting for a quarter of a century and now being thrown into uncharted waters so deep you go into panic over the depths of the unknown lurking beneath and around you....not knowing what you don't know or even what you need to know that you don't know, is a horrifying moment in time. Where is the emoji for THAT, Siri??? Sheesh, she is so limited sometimes.
For me, I think it begins with the blues. You see, when faced with extremes, we often look to something we can control, to hold onto and just do. So, what's the first thing anyone seeks to do when faced with life-altering circumstances? Bedroom makeovers, right? Hello? Anyone? So, I wanted to update Solomon's bedroom to be new and fresh and teenager-ish. And because our original bathroom remodel we had discussed prior to Christmas had to take a pause, we decided to throw on some new paint and potentially get some new carpet and, one day, furniture so that he has a space all his own. Of course, all 14 year old Solly cared about was that the room was blue. So, Lily and I looked through paint colors and we picked out what seemed like perfectly good blues. Now, I have very little experience with paint color and for those of you who DO have experience, I am sure you know where this is headed because just because something looks great on a one inch square, does NOT mean it will look anything remotely close to that on an entire wall. It's like looking at color through a distorted lens....as if it were in one of those "fun" houses where everything is too big, or small or squished or....I might has well have picked the color by allowing our dog to pull a number out of a hat.
The day the painters threw on two layers, I was sick and emotional and finishing my monthly reminder that yes, I am still in fact most likely ovulating each month, (at least my body thinks so) and it was grey outside and freezing inside and the cold meds weren't even close to touching the symptoms: The perfect storm. I went upstairs on their break and my heart sank. Uncontrollable tears ran. Deborah was called in as this required reinforcements that a box of kleenex simply couldn't provide. Thank God for best friends who live next door and can drop everything to come over, tell you kindly but frankly not to freak out...and reassure you it is only paint and can be redone and does not mean you are going to suck at every decision you will ever make for all of eternity! (Way to catastrophize the moment, Karen!)
As I sat there, the incredibly kind painter frantically searching through the color wheel while also reminding me he doesn't usual help pick out the colors, my friend counseling me back to calm, the world crashing in, I felt like these blues, the decisions, the weight of everything, was breaking me. I told the painter to just finish what we had started. And I was thankful. Thankful for my friend, for the tools I have that remind me to breathe through the emotions, for that one rational brain cell that assured me it was actually ok to make mistakes (you know, that thing I coach over and over again), it could be fixed, it was only paint after all.
I was even more thankful when, on second thought, I decided I needed to scratch the entire color scheme and have him restart the next day with new colors, and my friend called in backup and we spent an evening on the phone with an excellent teacher (interior designer) learning how paint colors actually work, how light changes them, and basically why the average person struggles to pick the "just right color" the first time. With new found confidence, we chose the right colors, and lived to see another day.
"The blues are hard," Deborah reassured me. And isn't that the truth? The blues are hard. But, they will not break me. Bend me a little more than I might like? Yes. But break? No.
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In Jeremiah 6:16, we are told to "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls."
I am learning to ask for help. I am learning to seek out the "good way" and trusting that as I walk that path, I will find rest for my tattered soul. And somewhere in that rest, there is hope and there is peace. And this is where the story begins again.
