Canyons, Windmills, Frozen Tundra

'If there's a place you need to get, I can get you there I bet, I'm the Map." -The Map, from Dora the Explorer

How will we get there? First we have to go through the canyons. Then around the windmills. And finally we will get to the frozen tundra....Say it with me: Canyons, windmills, fro-zen tundra....

As you can see, after 30 hours and 2100 miles in a car where I spent many long hours listening to Dora, over and over again, I have finally gone over the edge. But before retiring for the second night in our warm Minnesota home I wanted to leave a few tips for making your next move as spectacular as ours:

In order to experience a Graceful Chicken-style move you will need:

1. At least 2000 miles of driving through at least 9 states....seriously, if you are going to do it, make it memorable!

2. Four coughing children (3 of which puke during coughing attacks at some point along the way and one of which doesn't sleep two nights running...)

3. One hotel, just past the canyons, that could easily be mistaken for an upgraded porta-potty, complete with concrete beds and sheets that feel like vinyl table clothes. (Mom thinks they just wipe them off after each use with a wet rag....I just didn't realize you could have a negative thread count. I am wondering now if we should've upgraded to a room with soap, or maybe a clock.) Let's just say the hotel we stayed at the first night was reminiscent of the hotel Kurt and I stayed in the last night of our honeymoon...ahhhh, what a memory. Kurt was ecstatic because after 5 weeks in Europe he finally found the perfect hotel room. (You won't believe what thirty U.S. dollars a night will get you right outside of Paris!) And while he was giddy he wasn't spending too much money, I practiced my human floating skills so I wouldn't have to touch anything that resembled a plastic bathroom while mumbling something about him being lucky I had already said yes....but I digress....

4. A teething infant sitting for over an hour in a soiled diaper because we were out in the middle of nowhere (think prairies and windmill farms)....This always make for good, calm times.

5. One spouse on an extremely tight schedule (We got in about 13 minutes later than his projected arrival time but there is success in the fact that no one got left on the side of the road in New Mexico, where the cleaning woman assured me it wasn't illegal to abandon your spouse roadside....) 

6. One backed-up hotel toilet, that your two-year old flushes one last time to try to get the rising water to go down: "Look at the beautiful waterfall!"

7. One male adult (naming no names) accidentally spilling urine on themselves while trying to pour it out the car window....at EIGHTY MILES PER HOUR! (That alone was worth every minute we spent on this trip.)

8. One snow storm (through an entire state....because driving just isn't as interesting without it.)

9. At least one person getting locked out of the new house, in NEGATIVE FIVE DEGREE WEATHER!

10. One grandma who knocks herself down to the floor by walking into a hanging lamp in the new house. (Everyone needs one of those, especially when they are watching the 4 kids....)

11. And last but not least, one child who goes into hysterics because she takes her jacket and shoes off in the car, in weather cold enough to immediately freeze your tears, and, upon realizing just how cold it is starts screaming:

"I don't like the cold! Let's go back. I don't want to live here, it's too cold. I don't like the snowy day. MY CHIN HURTS! It's TOO cold!"

And I, making the mistake of getting stressed because I can't reach her coat, it's ridiculously frigid and she is screaming wildly, raise my voice to say: "Get your coat back on! Get it on or you might freeze to death!" to which she starts crying even harder. (My bad.)

This could be a long winter.