The Straw That Broke the Chicken's Back

There is a story about a camel you may recall. His back is loaded with so much stuff...and when at last he can take no more, there is a final piece of straw that breaks his back. Or something like that. 

I had an x-ray done recently of my back. You see, I have had this back issue since a dumb incident about 10 years ago sent me to the ER where an ER doc basically told me to get over it and then gave me a lovely little shot in my bum that put me out just long enough that I could totally forget about the injury, try to get out of bed as usual and end up flat on the floor in true graceful chicken style (yes, mine has been a long history of chicken-like behavior)...it's funny, back injuries never occur from really intelligent moves...it's always something REALLY stupid like, I dunno, picking up a kid who is on the other side of a double dutch door...instead of simply opening the door like a normal person and THEN picking the kid up. Nope, not me and my then 22-year old smug self...I can pick up a kid over a door....come on, who can't do something as simple as that...it's going to save me, oh, 2 seconds....and I will pay for it for THE REST OF MY LIFE! Well done!

So, almost 10 years go by and I am finally debilitated enough (meaning I can't run anymore and thusly I can't eat all the Ben and Jerry's that I want anymore....I am sure it has NOTHING to do with age either....) that I went to a doctor about it. He kind of blew me off about the back spasms, weakness and complete stiffness upon awakening each morning (what am I 80?)....something like (insert pompous man voice here) "Well, everyone has back pain if they live long enough...it's the most common kind of pain...and the least treatable, blah blah blah, here's the prescription for an x-ray, blah blah blah....and when that doesn't show anything, here's one for physical therapy, blah blah blah and try to stop carrying the kids and instead use one of those push thingies (yes, he actually said push-thingies) and we should draw some blood while we're at it, who knows, could be something crazy like, I dunno, high cholesterol or Lupus, blah blah blah, and don't forget to talk to me more about your asthma next time because we don't want you to end up with Chronic Pulmonary Lung Disease...then you'd really be in trouble..." (Wow, so glad I came to talk to you!)

Ok, seriously, I went in because my back is irritating me and I can't run anymore...he ordered 5 (that's right, f-i-v-e) vials of blood, a urine sample, a complete series of x-rays and told me to take some Naproxen or Tylenol and call him with any other questions. 

Well, yesterday I had the follow up. My blood work came back great (duh) and then he said, in a kind of bewildered tone, "The only thing that was positive for anything was your x-ray which shows you have degenerative disease in L5 and S1 and a 3mm slippage. Have you ever had an injury to your lower back?"

Well golly gee, no. I just took a lucky guess that it happened to hurt and spasm right there at the lower lumbar and sacrum region...WERE YOU NOT LISTENING TO A THING I SAID? So much for your Doctor of the Year nomination. Take some notes for God's sake. 

He then went on to tell me that all said and done, there's not a whole lot they can do for me so I should load up on Calcium and Vitamin D, lest I end up with full blown osteoporosis...by sometime next year. "Oh, did I test your calcium levels? No? We could run some MORE blood work if you want." You know, because I SOOOO love having needles stuck into me as often as possible! Something fun to tide me over until my early bout of lung disease I suppose. 

But I am guessing it isn't straw that has broken me (although it may have caused the allergies that caused the asthma that will eventually lead to the removal of a lung...or two)...but maybe those four chicken-littles that have appeared in that last 5 years have something to do with it....hmmmm....it's funny, the doctor never spoke about the fixing of THAT issue....then again, he did use the phrase "push-thingy."